Confused as always

I don't know what I want.
Why am I still living in 'what ifs'?
Why can't I just be happy.
Like truly happy.

Does it not exist anymore?
I still miss you.
Till my heart literally hurts when I cry.
But what is the point?
When I do not exist for you.
When I am nobody to you.
Some people think I'm so lucky that I don't really have a problem finding guys.
But they don't know that I would trade everyone just to have you.
Just you.

That's all I want.
But I can't have you.
Because you don't love me.
I know I'm not what you want.
I was never good enough for you.

But you know what, I found someone who really wants to be with me.
He loves me and takes care of me.
And to Him, I am too good for him even.
I care for him alot.
I know I'm holding back from loving him too.
That's not fair to him.
I don't want to hurt him.
I know that.
So what should I do?

June.

Going to turn 25 soon.
What have I accomplished?
Nothing.
Can't smile like I used to.
Still feels as fresh.
Still hurts as much.