Praying for an answer.

I really hate my current seat.
It makes me sad and depressed all the time.
I'm scared to be honest.
What if I get worse and slip into depression..?
Its making me nervous just thinking about it.
I really think there is something wrong with me.

Down.

I just feel so down.
Like I want to cry but for no specific reason.
What is wrong with me?
Just can't get rid of that heaviness.

It just was not meant to be

I woke up today to a dream that you were getting married to her on March 2012.
Mixed emotions really.
I'm glad I'm no longer awaken with that depressing heaviness in my heart.
But I'll be lying if I said it didn't even affect me.
Could be my mood swings that's making me think about it actually.

I understand and accept now that all the qualities that I yearned to find in a partner does not equal to happiness.
ALL the qualities in the world does not matter if he does not care for me.
Does not cherish me and what I gave & compromised.
Truly you are not worth it.
To move on like nothing ever happened, do you know how much that hurt me?
Not that you'd care.
But maybe you should, because you could one day also feel like how I did.
And when that day comes, I swear to you that you'd never be able to look at me in the eyes.

I don't think I can write about the stages after a break up after all. It'll bring back to much memories that I've let sail away. Just thinking about what to write here has brought up fears in myself. I'm not sure if the grief is something that I can go through again. It may just break me for good and I've gone through too much to let you hurt me again. I can say it's a lesson for me. I've learnt to be myself in order to see that someone really loves me for me and not just for my 'package'. As much as I want to say screw you and you never mattered anyway, I know myself only too well to know the impact you left. So what I have decided to do instead is write a list. A list of what I hve learnt since the day you left...

Life.

Its never perfect.
There will always be things beyond one's control.

I hate this feeling of not knowing where my life is headed and being confused constantly. I've got no plans, so behind when compared to my peers.

A random morning.

So many people around me are sad now. It only reminds me of the position I was once at and I don't think I can write about the stages after a break up after all. It'll bring back to much memories that I've let sail away. Just thinking about what to write here has brought up fears in myself. I'm not sure if the grief is something that I can go through again. It may just break me for good and I've gone through too much to let you hurt me again. I can say it's a lesson learnt for me. I've learnt to be totally myself in order to see if that someone really loves me for me and not just for my 'package'. As much as I want to say screw you and you never mattered anyway, I know myself only too well to know the impact you have had on my life. I will not wish you well and I pray to Allah everyday that He takes any bad thoughts that I impose on you away. I just want to be numb and take the chapter with you as a distant memory of how I lost myself. I'll be damned if I let the memories of you seep back in again.

Its been a few weeks

I've been feeling alright last couple of weeks other than the depression of my job.
Have not been blogging.
Guess my blogging frequency is tied up to my emotions after all.
I've not been happy with my job.
Been applying like crazy but not much luck.
There has been a few interviews and I'm just taking it as it comes.

I shall write a post soon abt the stages of a break-up because I believe that I have finally put that chapter behind me.

5/9/2011

Alright so yesterday I met a friend that as fate would decide, is someone that I met through you. What he told me really surprised me. It seems like the person I once knew has completely disappeared. It just didn't seem like something you would do, or so I am fooled to believe. As I thought aboutt the timeline of events, things seems to fall into place. Your behaviour no longer seemed so strange or unexplainable. He told me at how you guys were messaging and contacting each other till late at night. I do not know when you started having feelings for her so, to say that you left because of that would be just an assumption. Perhaps it was when you met her that you realised that I did not have the qualities that you wanted and that she had. So my answer as to why you were still contacting me through the months?

You wanted me there JUST IN CASE.

You know what?
I've realised that I deserve someone much better than you.
Because someone as selfish as you could never love anyone more than you love yourself.

Perhaps someone like you deserve someone like her.
I don't know her so it would be out of place for me to say anything against her.
Perhaps her presense in your life has made you a better person as far as you are concerned.
Things has a way of working itself out and perhaps one day you will realise how much hurt you've inflicted on the people around you.

But as far as I'm concerned,
You are dead to me.

Something I wrote months ago and found while cleaning my room

Tears don't solve anything.
They are, but my sadness surfacing.
My moments of weakness.
No I am not strong.
But at least I know I'm not a coward.
Call me weak if you must.
Because if being able to feel is a flow.
Than by all means...
Because I know I'm not perfect.
Never was & still not trying to be...

Yesteryear

I remembered my friend Jimmy saying to me more than a year ago that I was fortunate it happened only a few months into the relationship rather than years down the road when the hurt would only be much more. When he said that, I knew it was the truth but never really accepted it till this year. At the point, I was still very much hurt and was in denial really. Now I realise how true his words rang.

Yesterday I had a conversation with someone whose fiancee broke off the engagement a month before the wedding. I was shocked and needless to say, sympathised greatly at how he must feel right now. The heartbreak I felt could only be a silver to his. It has only been around 3 months for him so I'm sure it is still as fresh. I offered some words of encouragement and truly, I'm taking a page out of my own book. I believed the words I said to him that tomorrow will be a better day and overtinking just hurts you more.

I know he gets what I'm saying. Yet, at the same time I know that right now, words are merely words to comfort him. I hope he continues to have faith in God during those hard days because those days will come. Maybe more than he'd like but with time, the memories will fade. The experience will change him whether he likes it or not but it is a change that God has destined for him. Perhaps, meant to test his strength and build his faith. As a friend, I hope he goes forward a day at a time because overcoming each day is the real struggle. Each day you wake up to is another day you survived. A daily journey for everyone really.

Obviously no one cares.

Work has been depressing.
If not for the friends, I truly wouldn't even bother going.
It just goes to show that whatever I do and no matter how hard I try, I'll never be good enough.
It's a reflection on my personal life too.
I wasn't good enough for him and I'm not good enough at work too apparently.
I'm not pretty enough.
Not smart enough.
Not good enough.
Not religious enough.
Not talented enough.
Just. Not enough.
No one will appreciate me and there will always be someone else that is deemed better than me.
Sometimes I don't know why I even bother.

To get my life back on track..

I need to list down the things I want to accomplish (which includes things I've been putting off):

1. Get a new job. Apply like crazy!
2. Sort out facebook shop.
3. Write resignation letter.
4. Meet my friends more.
5. Smile. And mean it.
6. Look at the future and block out the past.
7. Numb myself for awhile and recover.

12th July 2011

1.5 years.
Of not knowing.
Of left hanging.
Mixed emotions to know its over.

Sad I failed after so long.
Disappointed I let myself be in that position.
Angry it took so long for you to tell me.
Relief to be able to move on with nothing holding me back.
Happy I have no regrets.

Because I know I truly gave it my all.
Many times I cast my pride aside for you.
Many times I kept silent on how hurt and frustrated I was.

I finally have an answer.
I will not say thank you because it's long overdue.
I shall say however that I appreciate the reply as, from experience, I was prepared for no response.
I appreciate the honestly so I can truthfully say I can & will cut you from my heart.
I will remember you as a painful lesson in life.

I do not wish to hold grudges.
You showed me how much love I was capable of giving and now I will give it to someone more deserving.
You opened my eyes to turn to God when I was so lost.
I pray Allah numb me from any emotions should our paths cross and help me shut that door for anyone like you to infiltrate my life again.

A final goodbye.
This chapter has its closure at long last.

July is just another month that I miss you.

Sometimes, I feel crushed.
But even at those times I know how selfish and what a coward you are.
So why do I still feel like this?
I don't know how to answer that.

How does one explain why the heart wants what it wants.

If I messaged you, this is what I'll say..

I know you don't care.
But I just had to get this off my chest.
I miss you still.
Everyday.
There I said it.

Confused as always

I don't know what I want.
Why am I still living in 'what ifs'?
Why can't I just be happy.
Like truly happy.

Does it not exist anymore?
I still miss you.
Till my heart literally hurts when I cry.
But what is the point?
When I do not exist for you.
When I am nobody to you.
Some people think I'm so lucky that I don't really have a problem finding guys.
But they don't know that I would trade everyone just to have you.
Just you.

That's all I want.
But I can't have you.
Because you don't love me.
I know I'm not what you want.
I was never good enough for you.

But you know what, I found someone who really wants to be with me.
He loves me and takes care of me.
And to Him, I am too good for him even.
I care for him alot.
I know I'm holding back from loving him too.
That's not fair to him.
I don't want to hurt him.
I know that.
So what should I do?

June.

Going to turn 25 soon.
What have I accomplished?
Nothing.
Can't smile like I used to.
Still feels as fresh.
Still hurts as much.

Again

Well, time and time again I reach the point where I think too much about you again.
Why I do it, I do not know.
I feel hurt, keeping crying and is just lost.
You are not even aware I'm feeling this way.

Why can't I let go of you?
The person who has hurt me the most.
Why can't I let go of the hope?
I tired of holding on.

What if I never let go because you never gave me closure?
The selfish being that you are.
I have to find my own closure.
Before I just snap and go something drastic.

Jar Of Hearts - Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Sweet like sugar not like honey.

I guess that's how one should be.
Sweet like sugar.
Fuss free.
Not like honey.
Sticky. Clingy. Messy.

Strangers again

Sad isn't it?
Someone who used to be the most important person in your life.
Who brought you so much joy.
Who you cared for so much.
One who gave you so much memories.
Who showed you what love was and how much love you had to give.

If you bump into each other and treat each other like nothing more than a stranger on the street.
Yeah.
Sad.
Crushing even.

Life in general

Thinking of picking up a new hobby.
Photography.
Not as in those professional kind.
Just to document daily life.
Random shots.
Life in general.

Today I grief.

I lost someone who cared a great deal about me.
Yet, its alright because I just couldn't bear the thought of hurting him more if I was selfish.
I care for him too much for me to do that to him.
He's been there for me, showed me how love should be and was never selfish with me.

My heart literally hurts when I found out he gave up on trying in life again.
He has so much potential.
If he only believed in himself.
My feelings for you are more than you know.
But I must not be selfish and pull you down and wallow in depression with me.

I wish you well.
May you succeed and get the happiness you so deserve soon.
I'll always remember you.
Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you for everything.

What I feel now.

How do I feel about going out there?
Terified.

But will I let that stop me?
No.

Am I a fool to risk getting hurt again?
Maybe.

To go on, I have to believe...

Sunset

Another day passes.
Reflect.
On the choices you have made today.
On the opportunities you have grabbed.
Rest now, for another day.
A new adventure might soon begin in a few hours.
If you just venture out into the unknown...

Sunrise

The break of day.
A new dawn.
An opportunity, for new beginnings.
An opportunity, to set and achieve new goals.

Is your life going to be the same today?
Just as any other day?
Will you attempt to make something of yourself?
Reform to be a better person?

Where will your locus of control lie?
Everytime you walk out that door...

As time goes by...

At work right now.
Just thinking about how negative and selfish we are the older we get.
No longer pure due to the media exposure and the experiences we go through.

Why do we lose that innocence?
It's sad.
It's like a domino effect.
One's experiences affect his/her actions thereby impacting someone else's life.
And it goes on.

Wouldn't be wonderful if we were all to stay positive and untainted?
That wide-eyed spirit.
I lost that more than a year ago...

Moving on.

Easier said than done isn't it?

Right now, I can feel myself suppressing the sadness because I don't want to be depressed anymore.
Good in a sense because at least now I'm able to control it.
The tears don't fall as much.
The heart don't ache as much.

It may all be a lie but I need to keep telling myself that I'm alright and I believe that one day, I will be...
One day, it'll be the truth and I'll be able to smile again like I used to...

I'm ok.

Keep telling yourself that because you are.
Stronger than you think.

Do not victimise yourself to an extent that you make yourself miserable.
Enough. It is more than enough.

Here I am. Once again.

I do not wish to be bitter.
Nor do I want to hate you.
If you only knew how I still felt.
Then again, even if you knew its not like you care.

Being numb would be best as that would mean I've stopped caring.
Any other feelings than that would mean you still affect my life.
Which at this moment you still do.

I've let you go to live your own life because I want you to be happy.
One always wants the person they love to happy.
But what about me?
All I want to be is happy.
Why is that so hard?

Please.

Dear God,

Please, after what I've written yesterday, I beg you to not confuse me by giving me dreams that make me think of possibilities. Dreams that make me think of him. Please. I need to stop. I want to stop.

Today.

Today I realised that as much as I love you, I would never want to be be someone who does not love me.
Yes, I may not be entirely happy with someone I love less than you but fact is, by him loving me more than you, I'm sure I'll be happier than being with you.
Feeling inferior.
Unwanted.
Rejected.
Insignificant.
That's how you make me feel.

Loved.
Cherished.
Beautiful.
That's how I want to feel.

Its me against the world. Alone.

Trust is just like glass.
No longer fixable once broken.
I pray my heart is not as such.

Promises are made when you're happy.
Unfulfilled when its over.
Broken promises that's all your words were.

Someday...

Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone,
A wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me
Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands

Well, no more,
I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for?
It's not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be,
I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me,
And I say

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday

Say it's coming soon,
Someday without you,
All I can do
Is get me past the ghost of you,

Wave goodbye to me,
I won't say I'm sorry,
I'll be alright
once I find the other side of someday
Oohoohooohoohooh...
Oohoohooohoohooh...

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday


"Gonna Get Over You" -Sara Bareilles

I am so stupid.

I just feel so numb today.
As if i can't find a meaning to anything anymore.
So tired of all the crying I did yesterday.
Who am I?
How did I let myself get here?

I know you're no good for me yet I miss you all the same.
Why am I so stupid;
When you are so selfish?
When you are doing fine without me?
When I never meant anything to you?

From the beginning, the signs were there.
But my love for you made me blind to them and I refused to listen.
Yet it stays the same...

Its March...

Honestly, only God knows how I feel right now.
I don't even have it in me anymore to talk about it.
Because it shouldn't impact or affect my life anymore.
Why should it?
It's been more than a year.
I'm sure people are also sick and tired of hearing about it.
Can't blame them.
Even I am sick and tired of all of it.
Why can't I let go of the thoughts of you.
Why can't my heart just stop...

Don't wan to be here anymore.

I want to stop feeling hurt.
This is not who I am.
Wounded.
Broken.
I want to stop playing this victim.

This is me now.

I look back to more than a year ago and realised...
I USED to be so happy...

Just like that

Its hard to comprehend.
When it is so unexplainable.
Why it's so unpredictable.
The way people change.
The way feelings change.
In a split second.

Things as you know it are no longer.
It does not have to be logical.
Nor does it need to be rational.
Change is inevitable.
Unavoidable.
Undeniable.

Sometimes it's for the best.
Other times you just dig deeper.
Trying to hold on.
Yearning for what was.
Realise it will never be the same again.
Either accept and move forward with it.
Or undergo the process of sinking into the quick sand.
Desperately struggling for it to stop pulling you in.

Life is a contradiction.

When does letting go not mean giving up?

Are you giving up when you know you can push through it still?

But what if it's at the expense of losing yourself?

When you move on...

I was just thinking about how one day, eventually, you will move on with someone else.
What will happen to me then?
How will I react?
I guess I should try to start thinking that's how it is now.
Imagine you are with someone if I have to.
So that I'll lose hope.
Better now than when it really happens in future right.
Not sure if I can take that devastation.
It'd be horrible if that were to happen.
What if I never recover?
The thought of you loving someone else is beyond words.
You'd be smiling at her like how you used to smile at me.
With that tenderness and cheekiness in your eyes.
You'll hold her like how you held me.

But wait, I need to remind myself that you never loved me anyway.
Do you see me?

Please GOD, help me forget and let go...

The day after a year...

Its the 29th of January 2011.
A year has passed since.
Yet my heart misses you the same.
However, in a way, I have gotten stronger.
I can control my tears much better than before.
I can allow myself to dream again.
To smile again, to laugh again. Even if I don't fully mean it, at the very least, I'm trying.
To be happy, is what I yearn for.
I must and I will keep trying.
Unlike you.

Exactly how I feel.

A Million Words Would Not Bring You Back, I Know Because I've Tried. Neither Would A Million Tears, I Know Because I've Cried.

I'm alright, just empty

Just feel very alone.

10th Jan

Regret is what I fear most.
Sadness steals the shine away from my eyes.
Disappointment keeps the wounds from healing.
Depression prevents me from standing on my own.

If you had walked in my shoes, you would have known how much I loved you.
The facade I put on everyday is much simpler to deal with than if I were to let my feelings show.

Happy Birthday Love.
I wish I could be with you but I know when I am not wanted.
So I wish you happiness and pray our paths never cross again if it's not meant to be.

Determination, patience and courage are the only things needed to improve any situation.

I used to believe strongly by the above phrase, that by doing so, one day you will realise how much I love you and we could try again.
Determination to have you in my life and for my dreams to come true.
Patience to let you have time to feel ready.
Courage for both of us although I was just as scared.

I still believe strongly in the phrase.
But now I've realised how naive I was.
Now,
Determination is the resolution to be happy even without you in my life.
Patience in the faith that GOD will send another who will love me more than you ever did.
Courage to let go and move on, even if it means being alone for awhile.

OMG

Overwhelmed by my feelings for you.

Been trying hard the whole day to suppress it.

I don't want to cry over you anymore.

Beginning of 2011

I think the weight just got heavier.
Time is moving faster.
And I feel worse as the days pass.

Only GOD knows how I truly feel...