Silence.

I keep comparing.

And I'm quiet because if I open my mouth to speak, I will crack.

So I'd rather be distant.

Kau Pergi Jua.

Wajahmu
Seindah serinya pelangi yang indah
Seharum mawar putih segar berkembang

Wajahmu
Mengapa sering terbayang di mataku
Sehingga terbawa di dalam mimpiku

Sayangku
Tahukah kau di dalam hatiku ini
Tersimpan perasaan cinta nan suci

Kau bunga
Inginku suntingmu menjadi milikku
Lantas ku abadikan dalam jiwaku

Korus:
Sayangnya
Harapan yang selama ini ku bawa
hancur berkecai musnah jua akhirnya
Semuanya bagaikan sebuah mimpi

Kau pergi jua
Setelah cintaku kini membara
Belum sempat ku curahkan kasihku
Kau pergi tak kembali

Sayangku
Tahukah kau di dalam hatiku ini
Tersimpan perasaan cinta nan suci

Kau bunga
Inginku suntingmu menjadi milikku
Lantas ku abadikan dalam jiwaku

-Dayang Nur Faizah

R's purple paper theory.

Her View

All her life she's been looking for a purple paper that's just the right shade, the right size, the right feel. Browsed through all the other attractive and vivid colours that called out to her but nothing appealed more than the mental picture of her lovely purple paper. One day, without even looking, she came across it and it made her so very happy. So bought it she did. How exciting! To finally find what she's been looking for all this while! So it's slightly smudged with ink on the side and crumpled around the edges. But so what! Its just the right shade, the right size and definitely something she can live with.

She tried to make it work. Told herself the smudges didn't matter. The edges didn't matter. Just as long as it was the purple paper she'd always wanted, she could live with some imperfections. But it just wouldn't fold right. The crumpling bothered her yet she tried and tried. She folded and unfolded. It made her tear when her efforts kept failing and each time it just soaked the paper worse and worse. Yet she would not give up and every time the purple paper would get worse. The purple paper just would not cooperate.

It came to a point where she couldn't stand looking at her once lovely purple paper without it reminding her of her failures and thus left it on the table by the opened window. She knew that by doing that, there is a very high chance that the wind could flight it and sure enough that happened. Now, she's taking it a day at a time, hoping that once day, she would find a purple paper again.

My best friend R formed the theory and I applied it to myself...

click here to read the explanation of the theory

I know I tried.

Do you know how much it hurts?
To know that I love him so much and realise that I mean nothing to him?
When I cry at how much I miss him yet he's living his life fine without me?
To feel so small when I'm not even worth it for him to try harder?
Or even try for that matter?

One day you will...

You feel like you're falling backwards.
Like you're slippin' through the cracks.
Like no one would even notice.
If you left this town and never came back.
You walk outside and all you see is rain.
You look inside and all you feel is pain.
And you can't see it now.

But down the road the sun is shining.
In every cloud there's a silver lining.
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on).
And every heartache makes you stronger.
But it won't be much longer.
You'll find love, you'll find peace.
And the you you're meant to be.
I know right now that's not the way you feel.
But one day you will.

You wake up every morning and ask yourself.
What am I doing here anyway.
With the weight of all those disappointments.
Whispering in your ear.
You're just barely hanging by a thread.
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath.
And you don't know it yet.

But down the road the sun is shining.
In every cloud there's a silver lining.
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on).
And every heartache makes you stronger.
But it won't be much longer.
You'll find love, you'll find peace.
And the you you're meant to be.
I know right now that's not the way you feel.
But one day you will.

Find the strength to rise above.
You will.
Find just what you're made of, you're made of.

But down the road the sun is shining.
In every cloud there's a silver lining.
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on).
And every heartache makes you stronger.
But it won't be much longer.
You'll find love, you'll find peace.
And the you you're meant to be.
I know right now that's not the way you feel.
But one day you will.

One day you will.
Oh one day you will.

- Lady Antebellum

Need you now

Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
- Lady Antebellum

When will it end?

I feel like at any moment, I can just break down.
I'm so lost in my emotions its not even funny.
My spirit's broken and I'm not sure I can find myself again.
So crushed.
So hurt.
So angry that I'm so weak.
The days goes by and its not getting easier.
In fact, I start to miss you more and more.
ARGH!!
I don't want to.
No more please.

I couldn't take it anymore.

Just had to write something.
Anything.
Just let it out.
I feel like so many people are having problems right now its impacting me too.
Should take care of my health.
Not much appetite lately.

The smile on my face are merely facades hiding the true unhappiness I'm feeling.
I'm afraid if I don't smile, I'll cry.
And I can't do that.
Because if I break down any more, I may never be able to stand once more.

All over again.

Have you ever missed someone so much that you made yourself sick?
Thoughts filled with someone no matter how hard to try to occupy yourself.
I don't know why its not getting easier.
As days goes by, I keep crying more frequently.

I must remember who I am and how I got there.
I must have faith that I am stronger than this and that I will recover from this.
I just want to be happy.
I need to find my fighting spirit to live.

I just want you to be happy.

If you believe you are happy then fine.
But I have never believed that someone will be happy based on someone else's sadness.

That's just how life is.

Having a conversation with my friend at work and trying to comfort her.
Saying how sometimes the 'best' lets us down and because we think & feel like they are the 'one', we just feel more disappointed and hurt.
How heavy your heart feels and how unwilling you are to not let go of hope.
But you know what, it reminds us that no one is perfect. So perhaps they were visitors in your life, sent to teach you something.
Perhaps it's to show that nobody is perfect.
Perhaps it's to show you that even someone you thought was so right can be so wrong.
Because it's so hard to believe and accept the truth.
Because if the 'right' one is so wrong, what about all the other wrong ones out there?!
Perhaps even to show that you can't be in control of every aspect of your life because you just can't control how other people think and feel.

So when people show you who they are, believe them.