STANDSTILL

When you are trying to move on, it's easier said than done.
But I have realised that the harder I try, the harder it gets.
So why try when things only gets harder. When it keeps breaking you down further.
Just continue living my life and eventually I'll be filled with life's activities that I won't feel it as much.
Right?

I'm scared though.
What if my heart won't let go no matter what?
Sometimes I run out of words explaining where I stand and what I feel.
Because sometimes, even I don't know.
At times, I feel like, yes, I do still love him but no matter what I'll never forget how much he hurt me and that in itself stops me from wanting to be with him.
So if I don't want to be with him, why can't I let go?
Other times I feel like, no, I don't love him because he's so selfish and I deserve better than that.
Yes love is unconditional but why should I subject myself to that when he obviously does not care? Is it fair that I'm the only one trying?

How do I find myself again in this journey life has planned for me?
What if I don't like who I turn into because of him.
I love who I was yet I know change is inevitable.
When will I know if I'm definitely ok?
But I know that right now, I'm definitely not.

What if I feel like I'm over him yet when I see him, all of it just comes back?
The only real solution I guess, would be to NEVER run into him.
I have been praying that GOD won't let our paths cross if we are not meant to be together.
So please GOD, please answer my prayers.