Thank you Ya Allah

For about a little longer than a month, I have been praying every day that if we were not meant to be together, for God to not let our paths cross. And yesterday, at an event you should have been at, when all your group members were present, you were missing.

And THAT, I will accept as a sign from God. So thank you God, for answering my prayers. For giving me guidance when you know I've been lost for so long.

I went not because I wanted to see you.
I went because our mutual friend invited me.
I went because it is for a good cause.
I went for the kids.
I lack the words to express the relief I felt when I did not see you there.
I swear while walking to the place that my legs got so shaky and weak that I had to hold on to my friend for strength and to keep myself steady.

To my surprise, I completely enjoyed myself yesterday. I felt like a child. Free. Uninhibited. It's been while. How I miss laughing :) And its all due to you not being there because if you were, I'l definitely not feel like that.

Thank you YA ALLAH once again and now I pray you help me heal and give me strength.
To let go, to be happy and to love again.

What I feel now.

Fear: Of not being able to love someone else as much as I love you. Of always running. Of living my life not feeling fulfilled or satisfied. Of always comparing. Of always feeling empty.

Betrayal: You told me you didn't love her anymore before we got together yet when I asked you again on the day we broke up, you said you didn't know. Fact is, you did not love me at all because you can't love me if you still love her.

Disappointment: In loving someone who did not love me. In my wasted emotions. In the breakdown of communication. In letting my emotions control me.

Devastation: In having my dreams shattered. In looking at you getting further and further away. In failing. In having to start over.

Loss: In having my dreams slip out of my hands in just a moment. In losing the sense of who I am. Of my rationality. Of my heart.

Where am I standing now?

I don't know how to answer that question.
I had thought, deleting him from every aspect of my life would make it easier, but it has not.
In fact, although its not as bad as the beginning, its worse than those times he appears and disappears from my life.
I'm not saying I want him to do that, I just wish my feelings towards him would dissipate.
EVERY single feeling towards him because I don't know what exactly I feel for him.
I want to be able to say I'm numb towards him.
To be able to look at him just like he is any other stranger on the street.

Yet I still cry.
I can't even explain why.
Is it because I feel lonely?
Is it beause I'm still grieving?
Is it because my hearts breaks every single minute?
Is it because somehow I feel like it was all just a game to him and that betrayal just kills me?
Is it because the dreams I had of a future together are just destoyed now?

I don't know.

Where?

What if you can't move forward because you're stuck?
What if you can't move backwards because you've burned that bridge?
So where does it leave me?

STANDSTILL

When you are trying to move on, it's easier said than done.
But I have realised that the harder I try, the harder it gets.
So why try when things only gets harder. When it keeps breaking you down further.
Just continue living my life and eventually I'll be filled with life's activities that I won't feel it as much.
Right?

I'm scared though.
What if my heart won't let go no matter what?
Sometimes I run out of words explaining where I stand and what I feel.
Because sometimes, even I don't know.
At times, I feel like, yes, I do still love him but no matter what I'll never forget how much he hurt me and that in itself stops me from wanting to be with him.
So if I don't want to be with him, why can't I let go?
Other times I feel like, no, I don't love him because he's so selfish and I deserve better than that.
Yes love is unconditional but why should I subject myself to that when he obviously does not care? Is it fair that I'm the only one trying?

How do I find myself again in this journey life has planned for me?
What if I don't like who I turn into because of him.
I love who I was yet I know change is inevitable.
When will I know if I'm definitely ok?
But I know that right now, I'm definitely not.

What if I feel like I'm over him yet when I see him, all of it just comes back?
The only real solution I guess, would be to NEVER run into him.
I have been praying that GOD won't let our paths cross if we are not meant to be together.
So please GOD, please answer my prayers.

It is what it is.

Every breath.
Every heartbeat.
The hurt, it remains.
I HATE IT.
Sometimes, its like I want to feel sad just to feel something.
To not be numb.
Which is stupid because why would I want to keep making myself upset.
And then I realise what I am doing and I stop.
I keep myself busy and focus on other stuff.
Because I'm determined to make something of myself and not let it break me down further.

But I know deep down that the hurt is not going away...

A day of calmness.

Ok, feel very calm now. This is good. Perhaps I've tire myself out the past week. Hah. I can finally concentrate and focus on things that are really important. My friend just invited me to come for an event he is organizing. I want to go to show him my support but I know you'd be there so that makes me not want to go. Although I sincerely want to go because of the cause. Hmm... How like that.

BUT! I KNOW I REALLY DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM. So yea highly unlikely that I will go.

You tell me to move on, where do I go?

I don't know why I'm getting upset more frequently now when I've cut off all contacts than when we were still in contact.
I should feel better.
I want to feel better.
Why don't I feel like those times where I don't hear from you and then I feel completely alright.
Like the old me.
I miss her.

How do I push you out so I can build that wall again?

I don't want to hate you because that would require effort and I've wasted way too much of that on you.

I don't want hatred in my life because you are not worth it.