*sigh*

I'm shaking.
NO.
I can't.
Dear God, I pray for the strength to not falter.
Please.
Give me back my rationality.

Grad day

I began today with a heavy heart.
At the end of 2009, I had so much hope and plans for this day.
I thought of how I wanted to spend the day with you and my parents.
And now the day is here.
It wasn't what I thought it would.
I didn't feel as excited as I thought I would.

But I feel different.
I've seen how my parents have been there for me through everything.
I saw how happy they were today.
All I want to do now is continue to make them proud and provide for them as how they hv done for me.
My support system are the most important to me.
Some don't see how broken I am because they are there holding me together.

My friends are right, you don't deserve me.
Stop wasting my time.
Today, I hope the strength I've found to completely let go, stays.
I pray that it stays.

How I feel at the moment.

I want to weep.
Weep till my tears dry up.
Till I'm too numb to feel anything.
Then I'll sit quietly and live my life.
Without any feelings.
As if nothing is the matter.
As if I'm alright.
It'll be much better than how I feel now.

Tired.

I feel better when I don't see your name.
I feel better when I don't hear your name.
I feel better when I'm not thinking of you.
I feel better when I'm not reminded of you.

I just want you to be happy. Just as I want to be happy.
And since you've decided you're happy without me in your life, then so be it.
Because it was your choice.
Why are you contacting me?
You don't want to talk.
So don't waste your time.

I tired. So tired.

I am not a toy.

You're messing with my mind and emotions.
I'm exhausted as it is.
What do you want?
Friendship?
Sorry, I can't offer you that.
Stop playing with me.
Stop.

12/08

In my plans for 2010, this day was diff.

Down

sick of this facade...my heart hurts... literally.

*note to self: STOP sighing*

Ku tak suka kerana rupa, malah ku cinta kerana hati.
Ku tak benci kerana marah, malah ku sedih kerana terluka.
Ku tak heran gaya dan harta mu, hanya dirimu yang ku ingini.
Ku tak penting bagi dirimu, sampai disitu ku sedari.

What hurts the most is that I didn't even mean enough for you to at least TRY.

Moral of the story:
You'll never find someone who won't hurt you. So find someone who makes it worthwhile.

August

What a great way to start off the day.
Crying yet again.
How my heart hurts. Overwhelming.
I have to get a grip.
Getting so angry at myself for not being stronger.
When did I turn out to be so weak?
I need to build up that wall again. Even if it means not letting anyone in.

The memories.

Poisons my mind.
Scars my heart.
Shatters my spirit.
Fragile. Thats what I am.

But thank you for showing me that I am only human and that I can hurt just like anybody else.
Thank you for showing me how much love I am capable of giving.
Thank you for showing me how much determination I have.

Untitled.

I once met a man,
Whose wife was deceased,
He still wore his wedding ring,
To feel her hand in his'.