I can't keep doing this to myself.

To keep hoping to see you online.
To keep hoping to see your name on my handphone.
AGAIN AND AGAIN.
The disappointment I feel when it doesn't happen is just too much sometimes.
I'm not blaming you. Its not your fault because how would you know right since I don't tell you?
I have to stop torturing myself like this. You keep popping back up into my life. When I feel strong enough to shut you out, you pull me back in again.

Should I just delete you off from everything you remind me of?
I don't know if that would work because I know your number and your email by heart.
If you'd only understand how torn I feel.
To have you in my life but to know that its different. I can't do it anymore. It hurts to much.
Should I just ignore you and pretend you don't exist?
I want to just walk away before I'm broken beyond repair.
I know I'll be ok eventually because I know HE is with me supporting me but will I be able to live with myself if I do that?

You said we should go out someday.
I WANT TO. God knows I want to see you.
But as what?
Friends?
Is it a date?
I don't know if I can handle seeing you just as friends. I might just break down. And then you'd just run again. Shifting your weight about and making the situation so awkward when its not.

Because you don't want to think and talk about it.
You just want to have someone there when you feel lonely. What do you take me for?
I know you feel lonely at the end of the day when you're done being with your friends.
To see them so happy with the ones they love. Frankly, I'm envious of them too. They are the lucky ones. Is it fair for you to find me only then?

You tell me to move on, YET ask yourself, why do you ask me out? why do you keep contacting me?
You can lie to me and say that you don't have any more feelings for me BUT you know you can't lie to yourself.
Stop being such a coward and face your feelings. Sometimes I just want to hit the heck out of you to wake you up. When I'm showing you how much I want to be with you, can't you at least man up and meet me halfway?
I have my pride too you know.
I can be patient. Look at how long I have been. Ask yourself, WHY DID I DO THAT?
You think I have nothing better to do is it?
Just tell me what you want and stop playing games. If you need time, tell me, but I need to know where you stand.
Figure it out, then come and find me.