28/7/2010

Dear ______,

It has been 6 months today. And I've not seen you in 4 of those months. Only God knows how I feel at this moment. I never thought I'll feel sad for this long. I thought I was stronger than this. Yet even now my feelings for you remains the same. Only now, I bury it deep inside so I don't remember how much love I have. In order to keep sane. But I am no longer strong enough to pretend that I am doing ok. Because truth is, I am not ok. I don't know when or if I ever will be ok. That's how broken I am.

Each time you ask me 'how are you?', it just reminds me of how things are no longer the same. That reminder breaks my heart all over again. If you took a second to think about how I really am, you'd realise how broken I truly am. But you are too selfish to do so. There. I said it. You know its true. You pretend I'm ok so you don't feel guilty. You only think about yourself when you contact me because you're bored or you felt lonely.

I've lost myself in these 6 months and have realised how selfish I was being. Putting my emotions and feelings before everything else when there are so many others who have lost much more in their lives. I've been selfish in hoping that you'll spend time with me when you were busy with school, work, your friends and project _____. I've been selfish in hoping to hear about your daily activities or what you were up to when I lost that right in January. I've been selfish in hoping to hear from you when you were accomplishing so much with your life.

I never meant to make you feel guilty or pity. I hope you understand that as much as I try to be rational, most of the time, my sadness is just so overwhelming. If my selfishness ever made you feel bad, I apologise because that wasn't my intention. Indeed you are selfish but so was I. I'm sorry and I hope you forgive me.

If we bump into each other, forgive me if I don't smile. Please understand. If it's meant to be, perhaps we will meet again and I hope you try harder because I'm exhausted. And if you never feel ready and I never hear from you, it's not meant to be and I hope I never see you again. I wish you well in your life's journey.

Goodbye love.

Sincerely,
_____

Sesungguhnya, Tuhan sahaja yang lebih mengetahui...

Untitled

Wonderin' why he never called you back,
Worryin' if somethin' happened and if he's alright.
But he's out having fun and you're the furthest thing thats on his mind.
He ain't caring bout you,
Cause you aint nothing but just another girl.
What does it matter how you feel?
He's just in it for the cheap thrill.

Then amist his busy schedule he gets bored and that's where you come in.
A few laughs and an ego boost later,
He's gone again living his all important life.
Leavin' you yet again wonderin'.
Yeah he's done with you till boredom strikes again.

There you are realising you're alone to pick up the shattered pieces.
Bits of your heart that's been trampled on and kicked about.
Time and time again you feel strong enough to walk away,
But he makes your heart soar again and pull you back into his selfish cycle.
And that vicious cycle just keeps on going round and round.

I am not happy.

I seem happy on the surface with my family and friends.
Guess I'm getting better at acting huh...
One of my best friends suggested I call one of those helplines.
Maybe I will.
It's a strange and depressing state to be is really.
HOLLOW. EMPTY. ALONE.
Feeling my soul is broken and not knowing how to fix myself.
Its been so long that I've not felt like the old me.
When will I wake up from this nightmare?
Too bad this is not inception because if dying means waking up, I'd so do it.

This broken heart can still survive but what about my broken spirit?

End of first 3 days...

Been tired from work so haven't been blogging much but pretty much feel the same low sinking feeling. throughout the whole freaking day. My heart just sinks. When will it end? I seriously think I might be depressed. I should talk to someone. By that I mean a counsellor or something. Because even when I'm working I can feel my tears coming. How bad is that. At least at work I can force myself to control my tears.

A letter to God.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya, engkaulah Maha Mengetahui.

Please heal my broken heart.
Don't let me live my life with disappointments and negativity.
Please God, I beg of YOU, make me stop hurting.
I'm not sure how much of it I can tolerate anymore.
Please stop me from being this superficial person that I feel I am turning into. I know there are many more less fortunate than I am. I know my problems are nothing compared to some. Only you know how heavy my heart gets sometimes. But for me to keep grieving for what I have lost makes me feel selfish when others have lost more.

So please, give me the strength and energy to do good deeds instead of letting my grief get the best of me. Do not let me turn into this person who is so selfish that her problems comes first before everything else. I am not this person and I pray YOU lessen my grief so that I can focus on things that matters in life. Not the past.

It is what it is.

I hate not knowing what I want. Its INFURIATING! What am I going to do?

On another note, work starts next week. It'll probably tire me to death and I won't have as much time to think about stuff as much. I can only hope. But I'll miss the people I've met. I'll miss interacting with them. I hope I can find enough energy to go back on my off days.

I've never been as confused as this. Feel like my life is out of my control. And the control freak in me is going crazy with all the back and forth my mind is doing. I WANT TO FORGET. What I remember. What I feel. But to forget would mean nothing happened and that in itself would be more heartbreaking. It would mean that I was nothing. So insignificant that I meant nothing.

Crying my heart out is so exhausting. Especially since it doesn't solve anything. But knowing my life is different hurts so much. As hard as I try to hold myself together, I just keep breaking into pieces again and again.

*Shrugs*

I don't know anything anymore.
I'm so tired of trying to please everyone else.
People who just don't understand.
I feel like my spirit's broken.
I don't feel like smiling anymore.
I don't feel like me anymore.

I just want to live my life and not feel anymore.

Just a short one.

'When we love someone dearly, we go through every ounce of heartache and countless tears. At the end of it all, it ain't showing how much we've been hurt, but how much we've loved.'

Well, thats another way to look at it aint it? :)

p.s. Looked up to the night sky yesterday and that single star is still alone.

Today

Met with some poly friends today.
Bowled and ate at secret recipe.
Good friends, Great day.

Till I got home and cried my heart out. HAIZ.

I'm happy for my friends, that they are moving forward in their lives.
Conversations on engagements, rings, flats, marriage, kids.
Planning a future with someone. I am truly happy for them because they deserve to be happy.
I'm so envious of them. Its just that it reminds me that once again I'm alone. But whereas, a year ago it wouldn't have affected me, now I just feel so dejected.
I'm not planning to get married anytime soon yet the peer pressure to be with someone is so overwhelming.
And the emptiness I feel is so devastating that I just don't want to feel anymore.

I REFUSE TO.

Had a conversation with one of my best friends a few days ago about malay guys in general.
What they get up to, how they act and how the world has changed. She made me cry with dispair hearing the things she said that I had to accept that guys nowadays are just a certain way.

Why do I have to accept that guys are mostly jerks who does stuff behind their partner's back though they are in a stable relationship that has lasted years?
Why do I have to accept that they want someone to keep for marriage yet find OTHERS on the side?
Why do I have to accept that they might all be liars who don't tell the whole truth?
Why do I have to accept that they are just sweet talkers who don't have an ounce of sincerity?
Why do I have to accept that guys just leave, without having the decency to inform you?
Why do I have to accept that most guys act like the perfect boyfriend yet once the partner is out of sight, she's out of mind as well?
Why do I have to accept guys who so called 'repent' at a certain older age when they knew all along, from young, what they were doing?
(Those who really show remorse are excluded yet you cannot change your past, so prove with with your present.)
They just wanted to have their fun before marriage.
Am I supposed to accept them after they've had their fill?
Are women supposed to resign to fate and accept their filth?

Get this straight.
I REFUSE TO ACCEPT.
The people in the world may have changed for the worst but I believe there are still some guys who treat women with respect and not as objects. They may be rare but they are out there. I do know of some. When did the world changed to be such an immoral society? Indeed people can be deceitful and, who really knows anyone for that matter but you know what, KARMA'S A BITCH. If you are not punished in this lifetime, believe that you will in the afterlife. Which would be worse.

I am not talking about anyone in general because I do believe he's not like that. I honestly do though people just say I'm naive. I do honestly believe it wasn't a lie but only HE and he knows. My conscience is clear because I'm not accusing anyone of anything. Fact is, just as I know of some good guys, there are just ALOT more out there who just pretend to be good.

The bigger question is, How do I begin trusting again? Anyone for that matter.

Lets begin the second half of the year on a better note.

It's sad that the quotes about being in love and the quotes about heartbreak both remind me of the same person. But not to worry, they won't for much longer. Before this, I told myself never to NEED anyone, only to WANT them. But now, I've realised I don't even want you anymore because I want someone who is not selfish. Who treats me as an equal and as a choice rather than an option. Hati dah tawar dah macam naik menyampah.

Despite the emotional turmoil I went through since the beginning of the year, I have managed to accomplish quite a number of things; I've graduated, got my driving license and found a job within the first month of finishing school. I didn't do it alone though. I managed to accomplish all these things with the support and help of my family and friends. LOVES my support system.

So meanwhile, before work starts, I'm dedicating my time to people who actually appreciates having me. Doing something I've always wanted to do but just never found the time. They work me to death but I enjoy the interaction and the tasks because it keeps me occupied. And the way they smile when they see me, warms my heart and makes me forget my misery, even if for a short while.
To see how lonely they are, makes me thankful for those I have around me.
To see how fragile they are, makes me appreciate life much more and want to accomplish more while I am still young.
For how they have impacted my life, I only hope I spread some joy into their lives.

Surrounding myself with joy, I will fix my broken self. Have always wondered where do I begin when there are so many tiny pieces? Well, I don't know but I just have to start somewhere. I know I am stronger than this. And I will be stronger still.

I'M DONE.

period.

I have to do this for myself.

I did not realise that I had both fists clenched tightly as I held on to you.
If both my fists are clenched, how can anyone hold my hand?
How I want to be held again.
How I want to be loved again.
I miss showing my affection for someone and being all manja-manja.
How I want you.
You fail to understand I'll go through anything just to be with you.
You however just keep rejecting me.

So I've learnt I need unclench my fists and let go.
Of my dreams of a future with you. Of every part of you. Completely.
And leave my hands free for someone to tenderly hold my hands.
Who will love me as much as I love him.
Who will cheer me up when I'm down.
Who will pacify me when I'm upset. Because thats all a girl wants sometimes. To feel loved.
Who will do anything just to make me smile.

I'm tired of being alone. Of not having someone to talk to. Of all the crying.
You don't understand how I sick and tired I feel daily. Or shall I say you refuse to understand.
You pretend I'm ok so that you don't feel guilt on your conscience.
So I'll pretend I'm ok because I don't want you to feel guilty.

What I don't understand is how you don't feel tired from all the running.
Making something so easy so very complicated.
After you tire yourself out, HELLO? The problem is still there.
Don't make it sound like I'm being all dramatic. You know I'm not.
You know I don't like complications.
Life is not a drama.

I can't keep doing this to myself.

To keep hoping to see you online.
To keep hoping to see your name on my handphone.
AGAIN AND AGAIN.
The disappointment I feel when it doesn't happen is just too much sometimes.
I'm not blaming you. Its not your fault because how would you know right since I don't tell you?
I have to stop torturing myself like this. You keep popping back up into my life. When I feel strong enough to shut you out, you pull me back in again.

Should I just delete you off from everything you remind me of?
I don't know if that would work because I know your number and your email by heart.
If you'd only understand how torn I feel.
To have you in my life but to know that its different. I can't do it anymore. It hurts to much.
Should I just ignore you and pretend you don't exist?
I want to just walk away before I'm broken beyond repair.
I know I'll be ok eventually because I know HE is with me supporting me but will I be able to live with myself if I do that?

You said we should go out someday.
I WANT TO. God knows I want to see you.
But as what?
Friends?
Is it a date?
I don't know if I can handle seeing you just as friends. I might just break down. And then you'd just run again. Shifting your weight about and making the situation so awkward when its not.

Because you don't want to think and talk about it.
You just want to have someone there when you feel lonely. What do you take me for?
I know you feel lonely at the end of the day when you're done being with your friends.
To see them so happy with the ones they love. Frankly, I'm envious of them too. They are the lucky ones. Is it fair for you to find me only then?

You tell me to move on, YET ask yourself, why do you ask me out? why do you keep contacting me?
You can lie to me and say that you don't have any more feelings for me BUT you know you can't lie to yourself.
Stop being such a coward and face your feelings. Sometimes I just want to hit the heck out of you to wake you up. When I'm showing you how much I want to be with you, can't you at least man up and meet me halfway?
I have my pride too you know.
I can be patient. Look at how long I have been. Ask yourself, WHY DID I DO THAT?
You think I have nothing better to do is it?
Just tell me what you want and stop playing games. If you need time, tell me, but I need to know where you stand.
Figure it out, then come and find me.

Not mad at all...

How mad am I?
Well honestly I'm not mad at all. Though I wish I could be. It'd be easier.
I'm scared.
Of what?
Of losing you.
But you see, I've already lost you.
So I guess there is really nothing to be scared of anymore?

Something I have realised, if I want you to not be scared to say what's on your mind, then I shouldn't be either.
Why was I so scared?
I have a right to say what I feel without being scared of losing you.
Because like I've said, I've already lost you.
So don't be scared if I say something, its taken me a long time to gather my courage.
Don't make it hard for me by making the situation awkward ok?
Just always be honest with me ok?

Alhamdulillah.

"If you love someone more than HIM, HE will take him away from you"
I read the above on someone's blog about her journey with love and how she found God again.
The revelation suddenly hit me and I just couldn't control my emotions and broke down.
Astaghfirullah. It was never my intention.
Ya ALLAH, maafkanlah hambaMu yang lemah ini.

Thank YOU for not giving up on me when I gave up on myself.
Thank YOU for always being there when I felt so hopeless and lost.
Thank YOU for giving me all that YOU have given.
Thank YOU for remembering me even at times where I placed the world before the afterlife.
Thank YOU for giving me another chance to repent before YOU send death upon me.
Kerana dunia ini hanya pinjaman dan akhirat itu buat selamanya.

Alhamdulillah, I am truly fortunate that YOU have opened my heart to love YOU above all else.
I seek your guidance Ya ALLAH and pray to YOU that YOU help me on my journey to be a better Muslim with each passing day.

YOU did after all make us in pairs. Though I never questioned YOU, I now understand why YOU took him away from me. If YOU believe that was needed to make me a better person as well as a better Muslim, Alhamdulillah I will accept it whole heartedly. I believe that if he is really the one for me, we will meet again. And if he is not, I have faith that YOU will send someone better for me InsyaALLAH. I trust YOU and believe that what YOU have written for me is what YOU deem best for me.

Ya ALLAH, jauhkanlah and lindungilah aku daripada hasutan dan bisikan syaitan.
Berikanlah aku kekuatan dan kesabaran untuk menempuhi cabaran-cabaran hidup.
Peliharalah and lindungilah mereka yang aku cintai and sayangi dan berikanlah mereka kebahagian dalam kehidupan mereka.
Berikanlah aku penunjuk agar aku dapat menjadi seorang yang lebih solehah.
Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

1 lonely star.

Yesterday my mum kept asking me about you. AGAIN.
Why do you keep asking me about him mum?
Why would you want to meet him mum?
When I've asked you to stop.
Please mum? How do I even begin explaining?
Why do you have to like him?
Why couldn't you have told me this back then?
Why mum why?

Today I looked up at the deep dark sky.
At where we used to sit when you sent me home, I sat alone.
Looked up at how dark and silent the sky was.
I realised that all the stars have disappeared except for one.

One lonely star.
Struggling to shine and sparkle.
Trying to burn as bright as it can so that people will remember stars are still around.
How sad, even the stars are disappearing, just like your feelings for me.
Tears began forming and before I knew it there I was crying my heart out.

Alone.
Deserted.
I feel just like that star.
Trying to remind you of my existence.
But I no longer shine.
Because dear mum, he won't have any heartache finding a replacement for me.
I'm just another girl to him.


I miss how you smell...