Another year older.

Happy Birthday wishes flooded me today.
Yet only a close group of dear friends know how unhappy I have been.
For a long time.
It really wasn't a happy birthday for me.
Today, I forced a happy face on for my friends and family, resisting the urge to cry.
Only for them, because they deserve to see me smile.
But the smiles I pasted on my face, they no longer reach my eyes.
They haven't for quite some time now.
Yet only those who truly know me can tell.

As I turn 24, it marks the end of my 24th year of life. At the end of my 23rd year in June 2009 , I told myself, I will make the year ahead the most memorable one yet. Boyyyy, little did I know what was coming. My 24th year was literally the happiest 6 months and the most miserable 6 months of my entire life. I have truly never experienced such joy and such misery.

Highest highs, lowest lows. The saddest part is, I don't even know what truly went wrong. But I guess, when someone is adamant on picking up the many stones instead of treasuring a diamond, then one should let him. Because one day he will realise that the bag of rocks are worthless. And when a diamond sees how weighed down he is by his collection of rocks, she wouldn't want to add on to that weight and be treated like a stone by him. By the time he realises how much time he has wasted picking up stones, someone else would have found the diamond and he may never find another diamond.

I know I have been very lucky in life, with the opportunities I've been given as well as with luck in general, and I am very thankful to God for that. For the guidance YOU have given me on how to lead my life. For that intuition that has yet to fail me. For giving me a family that I know will be there no matter what. For surrounding me with the best group of friends I can ever ask for. The support system that held me up when I was breaking down. :'(

Not many will get to read this post or even know how much they've helped me, but I will truly remember all that they have done for me and can only hope to repay them one day.

A part of me resents the fact that I am no longer as positive as I was. How a part of my innocence is gone somewhat. How my view on the world has changed. Yet, I have truly learnt alot in the past year. And I learnt it the hard way. But maybe thats what I needed to open my eyes? That view of wanting to see the good in people is good. But I now know, I can't ONLY want to see the good in them. I had not realise how naive I had truly been. How sheltered my view on life was.

It has made me realise that life isn't a fairytale.
And thats the saddest part of all, because life shouldn't be so complicated.
Because everyone have a right to have a happy ending right?
I have a right to get my happy ending. So, I'll be patient God.

I hate this sense of longing that has been created. I don't know what to do about it. It makes me feel lost. Like I've lost a sense of who I am. Where do I start finding myself again?
What I fear is, 2010 is ONLY halfway over. What will the 2nd half of 2010 bring?

Best birthday present this year?
Having the people I love this day last year still here with me one year on.

So thank you God for reminding me that I am not alone. That I have my family, my friends and most importantly, I have YOU constantly by my side through life's joys and disappointments.