To love is to let go even when it hurts you...

12/08/2009
10/09/2009
22/10/2009
02/11/2009
13/11/2009
30/12/2009
28/01/2010
31/03/2010

Do you remember what these dates stand for?
You probably don't. But I don't blame you.
The little things probably mean more to me than it does to you.
And each day, I'm reminded of them. AGAIN.

The details of each date. Many more dates than those above in fact. They remain fresh in my memory.
Try and test me.
Do you know how painful it is for me?
To remember what we once had and how it is no longer that way?
How my heart breaks from missing it? From missing you?

How I try to pretend that I'm ok with how things are now so that I'll still have you in my life? Just to hear from you. When deep down I'm struggling to hold myself together. Stopping myself from touching and holding you. Choosing my words ever so carefully. Because at the slightest thing, you will just avoid/ignore me again. Do you know how much more I break each time? The times I have shattered? You will never know.
Do you even care?
Probably not.
Because I don't mean anything to you.

Mengapakah hati manusia kerap berubah-ubah? Dengan sekelip mata semua berubah. Apakah CINTA itu sudah tiada nilainya lagi dalam zaman sekarang?

Am I just too naive to believe in 'The One'? To believe in true love? When some people after years of being together, split up, get divorced or just simply leave, am I asking for too much to want a love that lasts forever? But I mean, come on, we're all adults. No longer teenagers. All perfectly capable in making mature decisions and choices.

It just doesn't make sense to me. Because shouldn't 2 people who truly love each other wholeheartedly fight for their love? Through whatever if it means being together? It's not complicated. You either want to make it work or you don't. Simple as that. Isn't the love one receives worth any obstacles encountered?

And I now understand why some people die of a broken heart. Especially those old folks who have been fortunate enough to have had lived with 'The One' for their lifetime that when 'The One' passes, they just feel so empty, their zest of life is gone. How envious I am of them. To have had a lifetime of being in love.

So, have I met 'The One'? Is he already in my life and I just don't know it? Am I too focused on one person that I'm blind to others around me? Am I so unwilling to let go because every ounce of my being tells me he's 'The One'? Is he still the same guy I fell for? I don't know. And I don't know how to find out. The fact that memories will never change makes it all the more harder for me to let go. The places we went together remains the same yet your feelings for me have changed.

You don't realise you're only running away from yourself. Look back once in awhile and you might just realise that there's nobody chasing after you.

Do you even still 'Remember Me'? The girl whose heart; you've taken? you've stomped on? you've trampled on? you've broken to pieces?

What do you think?

That day you asked me if I hate you.

Should I?
Do you want me to?
Do you really think that my love has turned to hatred?
If you do, then you don't know me at all.

Ponder on this.

"I'm not saying he's not great. I'm saying someone else could be just as great. You think he's the only one when maybe he's really just the first one. You think he's The Guy, but he's really just a guy. And so many guys would be willing to be Your Guy. If you would just see them. If you could just give them a chance."

Wow.
Powerful words.
So am I ready to 'see' them?
I don't know. Maybe? Maybe not?
Maybe I just need some time to myself?

Honestly, I don't know what I feel right now.
I don't know how I feel about you anymore.
Apakah hatiku ini sudah begitu tawar?

Though I see you in my dreams,
I've been praying that God heal my aching heart and help me find peace within myself.
I think HE's been listening and answering my prayers because I do feel a little better.
I've not been crying as much.
I've been alot calmer.
Dear God, please let it continue.

Another year older.

Happy Birthday wishes flooded me today.
Yet only a close group of dear friends know how unhappy I have been.
For a long time.
It really wasn't a happy birthday for me.
Today, I forced a happy face on for my friends and family, resisting the urge to cry.
Only for them, because they deserve to see me smile.
But the smiles I pasted on my face, they no longer reach my eyes.
They haven't for quite some time now.
Yet only those who truly know me can tell.

As I turn 24, it marks the end of my 24th year of life. At the end of my 23rd year in June 2009 , I told myself, I will make the year ahead the most memorable one yet. Boyyyy, little did I know what was coming. My 24th year was literally the happiest 6 months and the most miserable 6 months of my entire life. I have truly never experienced such joy and such misery.

Highest highs, lowest lows. The saddest part is, I don't even know what truly went wrong. But I guess, when someone is adamant on picking up the many stones instead of treasuring a diamond, then one should let him. Because one day he will realise that the bag of rocks are worthless. And when a diamond sees how weighed down he is by his collection of rocks, she wouldn't want to add on to that weight and be treated like a stone by him. By the time he realises how much time he has wasted picking up stones, someone else would have found the diamond and he may never find another diamond.

I know I have been very lucky in life, with the opportunities I've been given as well as with luck in general, and I am very thankful to God for that. For the guidance YOU have given me on how to lead my life. For that intuition that has yet to fail me. For giving me a family that I know will be there no matter what. For surrounding me with the best group of friends I can ever ask for. The support system that held me up when I was breaking down. :'(

Not many will get to read this post or even know how much they've helped me, but I will truly remember all that they have done for me and can only hope to repay them one day.

A part of me resents the fact that I am no longer as positive as I was. How a part of my innocence is gone somewhat. How my view on the world has changed. Yet, I have truly learnt alot in the past year. And I learnt it the hard way. But maybe thats what I needed to open my eyes? That view of wanting to see the good in people is good. But I now know, I can't ONLY want to see the good in them. I had not realise how naive I had truly been. How sheltered my view on life was.

It has made me realise that life isn't a fairytale.
And thats the saddest part of all, because life shouldn't be so complicated.
Because everyone have a right to have a happy ending right?
I have a right to get my happy ending. So, I'll be patient God.

I hate this sense of longing that has been created. I don't know what to do about it. It makes me feel lost. Like I've lost a sense of who I am. Where do I start finding myself again?
What I fear is, 2010 is ONLY halfway over. What will the 2nd half of 2010 bring?

Best birthday present this year?
Having the people I love this day last year still here with me one year on.

So thank you God for reminding me that I am not alone. That I have my family, my friends and most importantly, I have YOU constantly by my side through life's joys and disappointments.

This could be a song.

Victory is yours for succeeding in making me fall.
Strength is mine for all the love that I gave.

To you, its just a distant memory.
For me, the pain remains the same.

Its not so easy to forget.
For I have lost in your game of emotions.

Don't be mistaken, there was never a point where I gave up.
I merely let go after giving it my all.

I've lost the battle so forgive me if I don't shake your hand.
I hope you enjoy your win because from where I stand, we lost it all.

Hmmm...

Hmm... again the same thing happened.
After solat subuh.
But this time I don't remember anything about the dream.
Just a feeling I had that I did dream of you.
I saw your face but the background was a blur to me now.

Or was it just my feelings of you? Because I miss you so much?
Hmmm...

Tomorrow will be another day.

I performed solat istikharah again today.
I hope I get an answer/confirmation tomorrow.
Dear God, please?
And if your answer is not something I'm hoping for, please give me the strength to accept it and find peace with it.

I'm tired.
Sometimes I just want to run away and never come back.

I've been waiting...

I keep waiting...
To fit into your busy schedule...
Because no matter how busy one is, one can always make time for those important to him/her.

So I guess its quite obvious isn't it.
That I am not important to you.
That I don't mean anything to you.
That I am just another girl to cast off.
When did I become that girl?

Hmm.. I wonder...

Hmmm I'm not sure what to expect when I slept yesterday night.
I did dream of you though.
But it wasn't during the night (which I didn't dream of anything).
Instead it was during the sleep I had after solat subuh.
I'm not sure if it counts?
Hmmm... I feel calm now, but I'm not sure what it means or even if it means anything.
I'm not sure if its confusion. I feel ok.
I wonder if I can perform the solat again?
Will it give a confirmation of some sort?

There is a saying,
'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; if they don't, they never were.'
So I've opened that cage and you have flown away my little birdie.
I miss those days when you made me happy with your joyful chirping.
How excited and happy you were to see me.
And how each morning I looked forward to seeing you and hearing from you.
Now everyday I face that empty cage with its door still open and my heart breaks all over again.
And when the time comes that little birdie finally feels its time to go back, he might just discover that the cage is no longer vacant and that door is now closed to him.

Thats actually what I'm afraid of.
Because I want that door to always be open for you.
But is it really worth it to wait? Its a year till you finish school.
I want to wait but what if it was for nothing?
Because you've not given me that security.
What if you not being ready was just an excuse you gave me?
Am I being stupid?
Waiting for you because my heart won't quit on you?
What does that make me?

I have been understanding and I have accepted your past because what I want is a future with you.
Because the past is what makes people into who they are and there's nothing anyone can do to change their past after all.
I guess if its meant to be, I will meet you again.
But how long will that be?
And if its not, I hope I NEVER see you again.

If it were still vacant, and if we meet again, I don't know if that door to my heart will still be open for you.
What if you've filled the time when we were apart with many replacements?
You might not have been serious about them but they are people with feelings.
And for you to play with people's emotions like that,
Will I be able to look at you the same way?
Will any others be able to accept you and your long list?
But I'm unsure of what to do if that list gets longer.

All this time I have given and waited, for anyone but you, it wouldn't have been worth it.

Solat Istikharah for guidance.

I think I'll be doing it tonight.
I know God will give me a sign in a dream or a feeling.
But how do I tell what kind of feeling it will be?
What if I think I feel something but instead its just my feelings for you clouding my judgement?
I will need to clear my mind.
Hmmm... In the doa, it states that I am also seeking for God to let my heart be contented with the answer given to me. Let me find peace with what fate has in store for me. I hope I do.

So yeah.

I'll be celebrating my birthday 'alone'.
YET AGAIN.
But what else is new right.
Story of my life.

Long day.

Went to KL today for a wedding. What a long journey. So exhausted from all the travelling.

On the way home, I was just staring out into space on the very very dark highway when I noticed how many beautiful stars there were.
As I gazed and looked around for more stars, I'm reminded of the promise you once made to me.
To go star gazing. The promise never fulfilled. That wasn't the only one.
I realise tears rolling down my cheeks, so I try to push the thoughts of you out.
Like dots in the night sky, I pretend to line the stars together to form an image.
But the only image that appears are the memories of what once were...

I once said to you 'Don't let go, don't ever let go'
So why did you?

Meeting loves today.

Will be meeting my besties today.
Coincidentally a week before my birthday and 4 days before farah's.
I've missed them. Its been a long time since the 4 of us met up.
I'm looking forward to it. Just don't feel as excited as I wanted to be.
But I'm sure when I'm with them I'll feel happier.
I hope.
I need a good day right now.

Thank you God.

Dear God, thank you for the strength that you have given me today.
Thank you for giving me the strength to not cry for hours today.
Thank you for letting my mind concentrate on other aspects of my life today.
Thank you for giving a few hours of no distractions to apply for jobs.
I pray that for days to come, you give me that strength as well.

InsyaAllah. Amin.

For the 4th time today.

Enjoyed my driving lesson today (though I didn't drive that well today).
Cheered up for awhile because my instructor was nice.

On the way to work, 3 friends smsed me back and forth.
How I enjoy that. The sms exchanges going on and on. :)

But when I went to work and saw the list of people.
OMG.
Why did every single page have your name on it.
Having to call those people and saying out your name.
OMG.
Dear God, don't make it harder for me than it already is.
Please.

And I don't know why I keep getting phonecalls from unknown numbers on my handphone these past months. When I pick up, nobody speaks. How weird is that.

Something I shoud have done a long time ago...

Perhaps, I should have solat istikharah first and foremost in the beginning of the year.
Perhaps than I wouldn't have put myself through months of misery?
Ok, as soon as I can pray again, I will.
Meanwhile, going to find out what I can about it.

Ugh.

That day in January, I cried so much that I felt dizzy and vomitted when I was about to go to bed.

Now, its not just one day, its daily.
Daily my eyes are swollen.
Daily, I feel SICK.
So lightheaded.

I'm not mad.

Chatted with you for awhile on skype yesterday.
I knew you were busy and thats why you didn't prompt me.
So I prompted you. I didn't mean to disturb you. Just wanted to say hi.
And when you said you had to go do some stuff, I understood and was trying to kid around.
But maybe you thought I was serious when I said 'action busy, go then'.
Maybe I should have added a 'haha'.
Haiyoh, why do things have to be so awkward? Its not to me so you should stop making it awkward.
Sometimes its all in the tone. When you want to say you are busy, can't you say it nicely?
You always sound like you are brushing me off. Do you know that it hurts me?

Most of the time, I feel like I can't approach you when you are busy. Its makes me feel guilty and unimportant.
Yet, when I am busy and you are bored/not doing anything, you can approach me, expecting me to entertain you.
Why the double standard?
Even when I'm busy, I chat/sms/talk to you because I love to be in contact with you.
But do you see me as a distraction when I do the same.

Perhaps the double standard exists because you don't feel for me the same way I feel for you.
I miss your voice. Will you call me again?

I can't do it anymore.

I can't put myself through hours of misery for a few minutes of laughter.
I can't keep having hope.
I can't.

Do you know that I kept your smses. From the very first day you smsed me.
The sweet ones, the funny ones, the memorable dates.
There were more than 120 of them.
Through the months, I've slowly deleted them off.
Crying while I do so.
Now I'm left with 20 smses. Those I just can't bring myself to get rid off yet.
Will I ever be able to delete ALL of them?

You probably don't have a single of mine.
Even of you did, its probably because you were to lazy to delete your smses.
Till your inbox is full. Then maybe you mass delete all to clear your inbox. Because thats all I am to you, just another girl.

Why do you make it so hard for me to hate you?
I am so stupid for loving you.
Because you don't care.
As for your guilt, KEEP IT, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT IT.

You will never know...

I met my friend 2 days before she flew back.
While waiting for her, I realised, it has been 4 months since that fateful day in january.
OMG.

When you messaged me out of the blue on friday, my eyes just started tearing up.
Before I knew it tears started to flow.
Trying my hardest to stop myself from getting worse because I was about to go driving.
1 month of not getting a message from you.
Did you even realise?

I didn't want to reply. What do I say to that statement? Why did you have to ask?
1 month of not messaging you.
Did you even realise?

Today, you don't know how I felt when I heard your voice.
After 1 month of not hearing it.
Did you even realise?

After 1 month of not hearing your laughter.
Did you even realise?

After 2 months of not seeing you.
Did you even realise?

Today,
My eyes are so swollen.
My mind is in a whirlwind.
My heart feels so heavy.
You don't even realise.

Yet today, I laughed again with you. You have no idea how that few minutes made me so happy.

Dear God, I don't know why YOU always make him contact me when I am totally not thinking of him, when I am totally engrossed in other stuff. YOU know how exhausting it has been for me with him constantly on my mind. Its almost as if YOU want him to be on my mind all the time. Haiz...

ARGHHH

FRUSTRATED!!!

I feel so lost.
I don't know where my life is headed.
EVERYTHING is uncertain right now.
Every single aspect.

I hate that my eyes tear up EVERYTIME I go to places we've been to.
:'(

Sometimes I just want to disappear and never come back.

I don't know what you want from me.
You've been ignoring me for such a long time and then now suddenly you're contacting me again.
I'm not going to lie, it makes me happy.
But I'm scared of having hope.
So I'm trying to hold myself back.
What do you want from me?

If you want to start over you should tell me.
So I can be completely myself.
I want everything to be normal again.
I want to laugh with you again.
I miss teasing you.
But I'm scared of getting my hopes up only to have them plummeting down once again.
Because if what you want is JUST friendship, I can't do that.
I'm not strong enough.

You promised me you'd always be honest with me.
If you are just playing with me, God help you.

I miss my grimace so much and all I want to do is give him a great big hug! :(

Stop asking me.

My mother keeps asking me about you. So many questions.
I've avoided answering her all this while but I couldn't take it anymore so I said,
'We're no longer friends'.
Then she asked 'Why not? Why don't you want to be friends with a good man? Because he smokes? It's a small matter what. Why you don't want to be friends?'.
Isn't that just like my mother, to assume I'm at fault.
I just replied 'Smoking has nothing to do with it. Don't ask me anymore'.

How do I tell her that YOU'RE the one that don't want me?
Maybe because there is something wrong with me.

Here I go talking to myself again...

Yesterday you messaged me.
Today you chatted with me on FB.
You made me smile both times.
How hard I was trying to not reply.
I didn't want to actually, till you asked me if I got your message.
Because I'm too polite to not answer a question.
Then, I just, couldn't help myself.
Haiz...

But I don't know why you are contacting me.
Why would you say out of nowhere that you still remember my birthday is this month?
What is your intention?

Please don't be nice if you are only doing it because my birthday is coming.
Please?
Because I don't want your guilt.
Haiz, I think I have to ask you to stop making me laugh.
Stop talking to me if I have to.
Haiz...

Till then...

Remember I told you I want you in my life?
That we should stay friends?
Well, I do.
But not right now.
It's too soon.
I need to get over you first.
Because right now, when you make me laugh, I end up falling a little more for you again.
Thats not your fault. I want to make you laugh also.
But I'm sure thats not what you want also.

At times, I want to forget EVERYTHING.
Just like strangers getting to know each other again.
With friendship and no expectations.
That would be nice if we can do that :)
FRESH CLEAN SLATE.
I'd like that very much.

Well, if you ever feel ready, you know where to find me.

Oh well...
Till our paths meet again...

Why I did what I did.

God knows, how much I wanted to move on.
God knows, how much I wanted to HATE you so it'd be easier.
God knows, how angry I TRIED to get at you.
Why HE didn't let me, I don't know.
Perhaps its because...
God knows, how determined I was to not give up on you.
God knows, how much I loved you.

How it killed me to give up on you, you will never know.
Neither will you ever understand.
Fact is, a woman's love is much deeper than a man's love.
I wasn't going to leave. But you forced me out of your life.

I gave up not because I didn't love you.
I gave up because I was losing myself in my love for you.
All that sadness was not who I am.
I gave up because I did not want to end my life for you.
(Thank You Ya Allah for this)
I gave up because I was near the point of being BROKEN.

Most of all, I gave up because you did not love me.
Because when I gave you 4 months of my life waiting to talk to you, you didn't even bother to give me a few minutes/hours.
Instead you ignored everything and constantly said 'I dunno'.
Maybe thats why you smoke so much, to 'escape' from your troubles in life.
Because you refuse to face them.
You fail to realise that when that stick burns out, your troubles will still be there.

I gave up because I was so insignificant to you that I could be ignored.
It worries me if a part of me will never give up completely. :'(

Can't figure out what's wrong...

I don't know what else to say.
I don't know how he sees me anymore.
I want to ask but he'll only say he doesn't know.
For someone so smart he sure does not know alot of things.

I miss seeing his name on my phone.
I want to get angry yet all I feel is sadness.
And I don't even know why.
And though I keep telling myself to move on, I'm scared I never will.
God, I'm scared.

It's like, over the years, I've choked on fish bones a couple of times.
BUT I'm not going to let that stop me from eating fish.
Why let the fear make you miss out on a good thing?
Face the fear. Just be more careful. And reap the benefits.
This is something he has yet to understand.
Sometimes I wish someone would tell him.
To make him understand.

I am glad however that I met him and he reminded me of YOUR importance God.
I had not realise how distant I was getting from YOU.
And that is definitely one good thing that has come out from this.
For that, I will always be grateful to him.

Sometimes I wish he can read all of what I've written.
But I don't think he would care.

Fact

Often, those who laugh wholeheartedly, cry the same way.