I want to stop.

To stop caring would be easier.
But to stop caring is something I can't do.
It's just not in my nature to.
Though at times how I wish I could,
My problem is that I care too much.
And that I'm stupid for caring so much for someone who obviously does not care.

I guess I just have to wait till I start caring about someone else.
I pray I don't break completely meanwhile.

Not again...

Ya Allah, please I beg of you, don't test me like this.
Take all these thoughts of him from me.
I just want to forget.
Everything that happened in the last year.
Get amnesia or something.
Or at least make me stop feeling for awhile.
I cannot take breaking down constantly anymore.
Please.

Mid year

You told me once, "I'm falling for you, you know".
You told me once, "please don't run away".
You told me once, "don't leave me".
All in the same day.
That day, I went against my instincts and I stopped.
But then, you started running.
When I brought that wall down for you.

June is rolling around.
But I don't think you'd remember/care what occasion it is.
Because I don't mean anything to you.

Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and realise what you deserve

I will always love that person I knew.
For he showed me what I was missing.
You are just stranger to me now.
I don't know where he went.
I'm devastated and heartbroken that he's gone but hope that one day I'll meet him again.
Wherever he is, my prayers are with him.

I miss him.
So much.

I love him.
So much.

Goodbye stranger.

Hi, my name is _____

Yet another dream of you.
I don't think they are signs anymore.
I just think that because I force myself not to think of you during the day, my mind goes free at night and so it wanders.
In this dream we were talking about beginning with a fresh clean slate.
Completely forgetting the past and pretending we are strangers again getting to know each other.
Hmmm... Thats quite an idea huh... It'll be nice if we could do that.
Just shake hands and re-introduce ourselves from the beginning.
Start with FRIENDSHIP.
We can put to use what we're learnt from the experience and not repeat it.
Because fact is we should have gotten to know each other properly first.
But yeah like I've said, I can't do it alone.
And to approach you to ask that, I don't think I can handle not getting a response from you.
Because everytime I ask you something you say you don't know.
Well, how are you supposed to know if you refuse to think about it?

:)

Today was such a good day.
Went for driving, got the instructor which I always get.
He's much friendlier today. I mean, he's always been nice but sometimes he's too quiet.
I think he's beginning to feel more comfortable with me.
Can joke around now instead of him being so stiff. Haha...

Then met 2 friends at orchard. Was supposed to watch shrek but couldn't make it in time. :(
Oh well... there's always next time.
But had such a great time talking and LAUGHING!
God, I miss laughing.
Laughed till tears flowed. HAHAHA.
Today was <3
:)

Other fishes in the sea.

I have decided thats its about time I move on.
Because you know where to find me should you decide to.
Should you decide not to, well its your loss.
Although my heart wants to find that one fish and wants to wait and hope to find it eventually, my brain is telling me there are other fishes in the sea.

Its time for me to let in those who are sincere and actually want me in their life into my life.
Because I refuse to let love out.
I don't want to keep rejecting it and risk it not coming my way anymore.

I will leave it up to fate.
Because as always, I BELIEVE God will choose one that is right for me.
Maybe its you, maybe its not, but whatever it is, I BELIEVE in HIM.
That HE will choose someone who will love me more than he loves himself.
And when I look at him, I'll know that I feel the exact same way about him. :)

STOP

I want to stop hoping.
Because with hope comes disappointment.
With disappointment comes sadness.
And frankly, I'm sick and tired of being sad.
Because that is not who I am.
I am someone who enjoys life, who laughs at the slightest thing.
Who brushes things and people that don't matter, off and out of her life.
I want my smile to reach my eyes again.
To giggle just for the fun of it.

I need and want to find that person again.
Because I am not happy with this person I've turned into.
And really, no one can help me except myself.
So, Ya Allah, I pray to you, please give me the strength to forget and move on.
Because that is what I have decided to do.
I believe that man I love is somewhere deep down but I cannot wait for him.
Because waiting for him is like waiting for rain in this heatwave.
Useless and disappointing.

Please stop sending me signs about him.
Please give me the patience to live my life knowing that you will send someone for me one day. Please give me that patience to wait.
Please make me believe that that someone is worth waiting for.
Because I know he will be.
I have faith he will be.

Sesungguhnya, aku mahu ber-redha kepadamu...

Please don't let the process repeat.

Yet again, I wake up every morning to that sick feeling in my heart and stomach.
Like I want to vomit and I keep coughing and coughing.

Don't get me started on my mind. How tired it has been.
You're the first thing on my mind the moment I open my eyes.
I can force myself to not think of you when I'm awake but how do I control myself from thinking of you when I'm asleep???

I'm starting to think I wake up naturally because of these sick feelings instead of having had a good long night's sleep.

2 steps fwd, 1 step back.

Woke up today to a dream of you.
In my dream, I was sleeping at home when i heard some noise at the back of my house.
Opened my window and saw some of your friends. So shocked. Continued to scan around.
One by one. There they were.
From what you guys and gals are wearing and bringing, looks like about to go touring.
Scanned the crowd and there you were.
Looking the same as I remembered.
Felt a twinge of sadness.
Crept out quietly and hid beside a staircase just observing you.
God how long I've not seen you and how much I miss you. :(
So as I crouched down low observing you guys getting ready to move off again, I wondered why of all places you guys stopped here to take a break when you know thats where I live.
As I hear engines starting one by one, I willed you not to go. How my heart don't want to see you going off. When will I see you again? Will I ever see you again?
Just as you were about to get on your bike, something seems to be going through your mind and you switch the engine off.
Signalling to your friends to wait and turn off their engines too, you walk towards the staircase.
I crouched lower, hoping you don't find me there.
But you continue walking, down the stairs, towards my house.
In my mind, I was thinking, 'what are you doing? why are you walking this direction?'
As you are walking down, you pause, turned towards where I was and I was busted.
I don't remember how it happened but then we were sitting beside each other and holding hands on the stairs and talking.
I don't remember what it was about but how I've missed talking to you.
How I miss you holding me.
Tears flow and you wiped them off my cheeks with your hand.
That only makes me cry harder.
I don't remember what happens next but then I woke up.

Dear God, please tell me what it is you are trying to tell me.
Give me more signs like you've always done.
Do you not want me to move on? Are you telling me to not give up?
I'm as confused as ever.
Please God, help me through this period in my life.

Oprah sure helps...

I think I need to change my thinking.
I know I should.
Just, letting go of that dream of what we were.
What we could be.
That dream of our future together, all the things we were going to do.
That's the hardest part.
To start from square one.
Is so scary and it terrifies the heck out of me.
But I think it'll be better than feeling depressed all the time.
So i need to do this for myself.
To gain control of my life.
To find my sense of rationality again.

The One. maybe not.

Have you ever met someone whom you thought was the one?
Someone whom you believed you've been waiting for all your life to meet?
Someone you waited for for 23 years.
Someone who makes you feel so special that you can't believe he chose to be with you?
And how you see your future when you look at him.
And although you guys are complete opposites, something just feels right.
Because you've seen how he takes care of you, how he smiles and looks at you.
No matter how angry or annoyed you get at him, a smile from him just makes you smile right back.
How he made you laugh.
And how he loved seeing you smile.

Well, I've met him. And lost him.
And how heartbroken I was.
And how much I have cried. And hoped. And prayed and begged God.
That he might change his mind.
But I can't force someone to stay if he does not want to.

Is it fair to associate me with your past?
When each person is different.
When you know it was your own fault she left.
When you were given another chance, this time with me, to not repeat your mistake.
Yet you fail to learn from you mistake.

Because it takes two in a relationship.
Which you fail to realise. YET AGAIN
Someone who wants to run away from problems instead of facing them.
Letting the fear that the person he loves will leave, leaving him devastated, to dictate how he lives his life.
Someone who would rather lose you now rather than years down the road potentially fearing he will that devastation again.

When I've given 4 months of my life after we broke up trying to prove to you that I wasn't going anywhere.
Those tears they kept falling in those 4 months.
4 months of not knowing where I stood.
4 months of not knowing where we were going.
4 months of complete misery.
It has been exhausting.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
Physically.

And though my determination won't let me wave that white flag, my heart is raising it high.
Because now when I think/look at you, I no longer feel love.
All I see is HURT.

Soon

Perhaps God has a different plan for me.
Maybe he was just sent into my life to teach me something.
Because people remain and exit one's life for a reason.
Though it hurts and it's hard to let go, I hope God has a better plan for me.
I need to be strong.
For myself.
I hope as days goes by I'll feel better.
I'll forget easier.
I hope that day comes soon.

Life

In life, you can never get everything you want.
Everybody has problems.
Be it financial, family, relationships, friends, work or school.
All different but all problems.
Its up to the individual how he/she handles it.
Some cry.
Some smoke.
Some use drugs.
Some distract themselves.
Some take the easy way out.
And the brave, face it head on.
I hope to belong to the last category and am trying my hardest to.
Because I believe one has to face challenges in life to learn and become stronger.
It will truly make one stronger than what one was.

Let's say for example you are taking a maths test.
There are many mathematical problems in that one test of course.
And if you don't know how to solve one, you skip to another.
And the process repeats till you reach the end of the paper.
And at the end of the test, you realise, just because you did not solve the problem, doesn't mean its not there.
Doesn't mean it disappears.
Doesn't mean it solves itself.
In fact, the problems just add on.
It just accumulates if you don't try and solve it.
You can wait till the test duration is over yet the problems will still be there - unsolved.
SO TRY.
At the very least you can say you've tried your hardest.

It's easy to envy certain people whom you think has everything.
But you never really know.
Each person is different so it's best not to compare.
What one lacks, one may have plenty of a different thing.