Silence.

I keep comparing.

And I'm quiet because if I open my mouth to speak, I will crack.

So I'd rather be distant.

Kau Pergi Jua.

Wajahmu
Seindah serinya pelangi yang indah
Seharum mawar putih segar berkembang

Wajahmu
Mengapa sering terbayang di mataku
Sehingga terbawa di dalam mimpiku

Sayangku
Tahukah kau di dalam hatiku ini
Tersimpan perasaan cinta nan suci

Kau bunga
Inginku suntingmu menjadi milikku
Lantas ku abadikan dalam jiwaku

Korus:
Sayangnya
Harapan yang selama ini ku bawa
hancur berkecai musnah jua akhirnya
Semuanya bagaikan sebuah mimpi

Kau pergi jua
Setelah cintaku kini membara
Belum sempat ku curahkan kasihku
Kau pergi tak kembali

Sayangku
Tahukah kau di dalam hatiku ini
Tersimpan perasaan cinta nan suci

Kau bunga
Inginku suntingmu menjadi milikku
Lantas ku abadikan dalam jiwaku

-Dayang Nur Faizah

R's purple paper theory.

Her View

All her life she's been looking for a purple paper that's just the right shade, the right size, the right feel. Browsed through all the other attractive and vivid colours that called out to her but nothing appealed more than the mental picture of her lovely purple paper. One day, without even looking, she came across it and it made her so very happy. So bought it she did. How exciting! To finally find what she's been looking for all this while! So it's slightly smudged with ink on the side and crumpled around the edges. But so what! Its just the right shade, the right size and definitely something she can live with.

She tried to make it work. Told herself the smudges didn't matter. The edges didn't matter. Just as long as it was the purple paper she'd always wanted, she could live with some imperfections. But it just wouldn't fold right. The crumpling bothered her yet she tried and tried. She folded and unfolded. It made her tear when her efforts kept failing and each time it just soaked the paper worse and worse. Yet she would not give up and every time the purple paper would get worse. The purple paper just would not cooperate.

It came to a point where she couldn't stand looking at her once lovely purple paper without it reminding her of her failures and thus left it on the table by the opened window. She knew that by doing that, there is a very high chance that the wind could flight it and sure enough that happened. Now, she's taking it a day at a time, hoping that once day, she would find a purple paper again.

My best friend R formed the theory and I applied it to myself...

click here to read the explanation of the theory

I know I tried.

Do you know how much it hurts?
To know that I love him so much and realise that I mean nothing to him?
When I cry at how much I miss him yet he's living his life fine without me?
To feel so small when I'm not even worth it for him to try harder?
Or even try for that matter?

One day you will...

You feel like you're falling backwards.
Like you're slippin' through the cracks.
Like no one would even notice.
If you left this town and never came back.
You walk outside and all you see is rain.
You look inside and all you feel is pain.
And you can't see it now.

But down the road the sun is shining.
In every cloud there's a silver lining.
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on).
And every heartache makes you stronger.
But it won't be much longer.
You'll find love, you'll find peace.
And the you you're meant to be.
I know right now that's not the way you feel.
But one day you will.

You wake up every morning and ask yourself.
What am I doing here anyway.
With the weight of all those disappointments.
Whispering in your ear.
You're just barely hanging by a thread.
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath.
And you don't know it yet.

But down the road the sun is shining.
In every cloud there's a silver lining.
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on).
And every heartache makes you stronger.
But it won't be much longer.
You'll find love, you'll find peace.
And the you you're meant to be.
I know right now that's not the way you feel.
But one day you will.

Find the strength to rise above.
You will.
Find just what you're made of, you're made of.

But down the road the sun is shining.
In every cloud there's a silver lining.
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on).
And every heartache makes you stronger.
But it won't be much longer.
You'll find love, you'll find peace.
And the you you're meant to be.
I know right now that's not the way you feel.
But one day you will.

One day you will.
Oh one day you will.

- Lady Antebellum

Need you now

Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
- Lady Antebellum

When will it end?

I feel like at any moment, I can just break down.
I'm so lost in my emotions its not even funny.
My spirit's broken and I'm not sure I can find myself again.
So crushed.
So hurt.
So angry that I'm so weak.
The days goes by and its not getting easier.
In fact, I start to miss you more and more.
ARGH!!
I don't want to.
No more please.

I couldn't take it anymore.

Just had to write something.
Anything.
Just let it out.
I feel like so many people are having problems right now its impacting me too.
Should take care of my health.
Not much appetite lately.

The smile on my face are merely facades hiding the true unhappiness I'm feeling.
I'm afraid if I don't smile, I'll cry.
And I can't do that.
Because if I break down any more, I may never be able to stand once more.

All over again.

Have you ever missed someone so much that you made yourself sick?
Thoughts filled with someone no matter how hard to try to occupy yourself.
I don't know why its not getting easier.
As days goes by, I keep crying more frequently.

I must remember who I am and how I got there.
I must have faith that I am stronger than this and that I will recover from this.
I just want to be happy.
I need to find my fighting spirit to live.

I just want you to be happy.

If you believe you are happy then fine.
But I have never believed that someone will be happy based on someone else's sadness.

That's just how life is.

Having a conversation with my friend at work and trying to comfort her.
Saying how sometimes the 'best' lets us down and because we think & feel like they are the 'one', we just feel more disappointed and hurt.
How heavy your heart feels and how unwilling you are to not let go of hope.
But you know what, it reminds us that no one is perfect. So perhaps they were visitors in your life, sent to teach you something.
Perhaps it's to show that nobody is perfect.
Perhaps it's to show you that even someone you thought was so right can be so wrong.
Because it's so hard to believe and accept the truth.
Because if the 'right' one is so wrong, what about all the other wrong ones out there?!
Perhaps even to show that you can't be in control of every aspect of your life because you just can't control how other people think and feel.

So when people show you who they are, believe them.

Thank you Ya Allah

For about a little longer than a month, I have been praying every day that if we were not meant to be together, for God to not let our paths cross. And yesterday, at an event you should have been at, when all your group members were present, you were missing.

And THAT, I will accept as a sign from God. So thank you God, for answering my prayers. For giving me guidance when you know I've been lost for so long.

I went not because I wanted to see you.
I went because our mutual friend invited me.
I went because it is for a good cause.
I went for the kids.
I lack the words to express the relief I felt when I did not see you there.
I swear while walking to the place that my legs got so shaky and weak that I had to hold on to my friend for strength and to keep myself steady.

To my surprise, I completely enjoyed myself yesterday. I felt like a child. Free. Uninhibited. It's been while. How I miss laughing :) And its all due to you not being there because if you were, I'l definitely not feel like that.

Thank you YA ALLAH once again and now I pray you help me heal and give me strength.
To let go, to be happy and to love again.

What I feel now.

Fear: Of not being able to love someone else as much as I love you. Of always running. Of living my life not feeling fulfilled or satisfied. Of always comparing. Of always feeling empty.

Betrayal: You told me you didn't love her anymore before we got together yet when I asked you again on the day we broke up, you said you didn't know. Fact is, you did not love me at all because you can't love me if you still love her.

Disappointment: In loving someone who did not love me. In my wasted emotions. In the breakdown of communication. In letting my emotions control me.

Devastation: In having my dreams shattered. In looking at you getting further and further away. In failing. In having to start over.

Loss: In having my dreams slip out of my hands in just a moment. In losing the sense of who I am. Of my rationality. Of my heart.

Where am I standing now?

I don't know how to answer that question.
I had thought, deleting him from every aspect of my life would make it easier, but it has not.
In fact, although its not as bad as the beginning, its worse than those times he appears and disappears from my life.
I'm not saying I want him to do that, I just wish my feelings towards him would dissipate.
EVERY single feeling towards him because I don't know what exactly I feel for him.
I want to be able to say I'm numb towards him.
To be able to look at him just like he is any other stranger on the street.

Yet I still cry.
I can't even explain why.
Is it because I feel lonely?
Is it beause I'm still grieving?
Is it because my hearts breaks every single minute?
Is it because somehow I feel like it was all just a game to him and that betrayal just kills me?
Is it because the dreams I had of a future together are just destoyed now?

I don't know.

Where?

What if you can't move forward because you're stuck?
What if you can't move backwards because you've burned that bridge?
So where does it leave me?

STANDSTILL

When you are trying to move on, it's easier said than done.
But I have realised that the harder I try, the harder it gets.
So why try when things only gets harder. When it keeps breaking you down further.
Just continue living my life and eventually I'll be filled with life's activities that I won't feel it as much.
Right?

I'm scared though.
What if my heart won't let go no matter what?
Sometimes I run out of words explaining where I stand and what I feel.
Because sometimes, even I don't know.
At times, I feel like, yes, I do still love him but no matter what I'll never forget how much he hurt me and that in itself stops me from wanting to be with him.
So if I don't want to be with him, why can't I let go?
Other times I feel like, no, I don't love him because he's so selfish and I deserve better than that.
Yes love is unconditional but why should I subject myself to that when he obviously does not care? Is it fair that I'm the only one trying?

How do I find myself again in this journey life has planned for me?
What if I don't like who I turn into because of him.
I love who I was yet I know change is inevitable.
When will I know if I'm definitely ok?
But I know that right now, I'm definitely not.

What if I feel like I'm over him yet when I see him, all of it just comes back?
The only real solution I guess, would be to NEVER run into him.
I have been praying that GOD won't let our paths cross if we are not meant to be together.
So please GOD, please answer my prayers.

It is what it is.

Every breath.
Every heartbeat.
The hurt, it remains.
I HATE IT.
Sometimes, its like I want to feel sad just to feel something.
To not be numb.
Which is stupid because why would I want to keep making myself upset.
And then I realise what I am doing and I stop.
I keep myself busy and focus on other stuff.
Because I'm determined to make something of myself and not let it break me down further.

But I know deep down that the hurt is not going away...

A day of calmness.

Ok, feel very calm now. This is good. Perhaps I've tire myself out the past week. Hah. I can finally concentrate and focus on things that are really important. My friend just invited me to come for an event he is organizing. I want to go to show him my support but I know you'd be there so that makes me not want to go. Although I sincerely want to go because of the cause. Hmm... How like that.

BUT! I KNOW I REALLY DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM. So yea highly unlikely that I will go.

You tell me to move on, where do I go?

I don't know why I'm getting upset more frequently now when I've cut off all contacts than when we were still in contact.
I should feel better.
I want to feel better.
Why don't I feel like those times where I don't hear from you and then I feel completely alright.
Like the old me.
I miss her.

How do I push you out so I can build that wall again?

I don't want to hate you because that would require effort and I've wasted way too much of that on you.

I don't want hatred in my life because you are not worth it.

To be who I am, I need to find out who I am

I refuse to let my past dictate my future.
If you fall, keep getting up.
Never let anyone make you feel insignificant and unworthy.
Never let anyone make you feel like you weren't enough.

How do you let go of someone who you really love but you know he is not worth what you are going through?
By believing that you are.

Sick.

I'm sick again.
Don't know what's wrong.
Keep falling sick these few weeks.

Hmmm... still feel like crying.
Maybe should just let it out rather than keeping it in.
If not I'll break down harder later on.

I just want to fall into someone's arms.
Just let it all out.
So I can be myself again.

Today

Nearly time for bed and for no reason I feel like crying.
Like grieving.
Maybe it's because a friend told me something.
I understand and I know how he feels.
It's only fair that I let him do so as I can't be selfish.
I wouldn't want anyone to feel how I have felt.
Though I feel like I'm losing a friend, I know I also let him do what he feels he need to do.
To protect himself.
Just like how I am protecting myself.

People always leave...

Life: It goes on...

Letting go of someone dear to you is hard,
But holding on to someone who doesn't feel the same is much harder.
Giving up doesn't mean you are weak.
It only means you are strong enough to let go.

22/10 11.59PM

If you believe that you are happy, then fine.
I'll leave you alone since thats what you want to be. Alone.
Unlike you, I can't pretend to be happy when I'm lonely.
But its what you want so I have to let you go.
Let me just say thank you for everything.
Now I just want nothing.
None of it mattered.

Don't look for me when I'm gone.
Not that you will.

Nothing ever hurt like you.

On 22/10 11.59pm, I will do something to replace the memory of what that date stands for.
Its time.

Reasons why...

1) He is selfish because he only thinks about his feelings and is very calculative.
2) Has or makes time for everything else except me.
3) He does not appreciate me.
4) He is a coward as he refuses to face his problems.
5) Does not have the decency to try to understand where I am coming from because he refuses to listen.
6) Does not love me or else he would have at least tried.
7) Commitment issues.
8) Has made me miserable for a much longer time than he has made me happy.
9) Worried that people will know.
10) You made me bring my wall down and lose myself and then you left.


Lots more reasons but I tink 10 is more than sufficient.

So lost.

Why do I keep having this feeling that I just can't get rid off?
Just when I have a few good days where I feel strong and alright, something just knocks me back down.
When will it end?
I SO EXHAUSTED.

What is going on with me.

Now what?

I don't know how to express how I feel.
I feel strong enough to let go.

Dear God, don't let me lose this strength you have given me but please, I seek your guidance.
It's what I should do right?
Please give me a sign so I'd know what I should do.
Lead me with rationality and please give me the strength to keep a handle on my emotions.
Let me be calm and remember YOU always.

Please.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just need to express how I feel.
Thats why I blog so much.
Because I know I can't keep depending on others.

Nobody knows how a piece of my heart just dies when I think about things.

Where is life taking you?

I tried so hard.
Gave so much that I neglected my own needs.
There was really nothing more I could have done.
You've taken me for granted for far too long.

All this time. Enough.
All my wasted emotions. Enough.
All the tears I cried. Enough.
All my effort just went down the drain.

Now get out.
I don't have to show you the way.
It's the same path you were forced to take 4 years ago.

Yes I can.

I seriously don't know what is going on with me.
Emotions going haywire like nobody's business.

I know now that I need to let go completely and cut off all contacts.
I need to.
Seriously.
I don't want to go back to feeling how I did in January and February.

I know I can do this.
I know I can.

Well then...

Memories are just things of what once were.
What we were is no longer what we are.
How we were is no longer how we are.

How I smiled is no longer how I smile.
How I laughed is no longer how I laugh.

How I loved will no longer be how I will love.
Just break me once and for all.

DEADLINE:
24/9/2010
11:59PM

Then there will no longer be any more extensions.

If you don't want to try, then don't bother me anymore

I'm tired of trying so hard.
Anyone else who has a heart will have at the very least a talk with me or just simply cut off all ties so it'll break me once and for all.
So I'd have a chance to recover.
But not you.
YOU are too selfish to do that.
YOU only think of yourself.
Poor YOU who couldn't give me 5 minutes when I gave you 8 months.
That's the difference between you and I.
I could never live with myself if I was as selfish as you.
As much as I want to hate you, I just can't.
So you know what, I'll just look at what I had with you as the biggest disappointment of my life.
Perhaps that will make me learn from it and move on.

Fate

Do you believe in fate?
I do.
But I also believe that without any effort, nothing will happen.
So you can sit there all you want waiting for something to happen.
BUT nothing's going to drop onto your lap if you don't put in effort.
If you don't work towards striving for something, you'll never achieve it.
I for one, refuse to go with the flow.
Enough is enough.

What else is there to do?

Are you happy?
If you are happy without me in your life, than will you take me out completely?
Just break me once and for all?
So that I lose all hope. Scold me. Spurn me. Make me hate you. Do something that will make me just give up.
Please?
If at any point your feelings for me were real, grant me that favour.

I'm tired of your games and I don't want to play anymore.
I'd rather be a quitter than a player.
If you think you've won as I'm just another girl who've fallen for you, then congratulations to you. You win. But forgive me if I don't shake you hand.
I'm afraid I won't be able to let go.
Worn out. Lost. Shattered. Aged.
I may be weak to let my emotions get the best of me but at least I know I'm not a coward to hide behind my emotions.
I've realised that as long as you are in my life, I won't be able to let go.
I need you out so I can close that door to my heart.
Stop preventing me from closing the door by putting your foot there.
I just want to be happy.
After giving you all these months, don't I deserve at least that?

Its been awhile...

Its been so long since I've blogged.
I feel strange really.
Like I can't make up my mind.
I'm pretty sure that I feel ok sometimes because I'm in contact with friends and I surround myself with people.
Yet at other times, I feel so sad and scared because I know they are not what I am looking for nor what I want.
But then again, are you what I want?
Am I just holding on because of how you made me feel or do I really love you still?
I don't doubt how I feel about you though I know I'm forcing myself to suppress it so it won't hurt as much.
How do I begin to tell you how exhausted I am?
I know for a fact that you don't love me as much as I love you.
So do I let go or do I try to win back your love?
Effort.
I know all relationships require that.
However it just doesn't seem fair that I'm the only one trying and trying.
So do I just give up?
Find someone that I know for sure loves me more than I love him?
I know it won't be fair to him but somehow I feel like the more I know he loves me, the more I will appreciate and love him thereby making it fair wouldn't it?
Its been 8 months.
Did you even realise that?

Question after question.

Is it the right thing to do?
Will I regret it?
Should I even not bother?
I still have time to back out.
Should I?

Where can I find my answers?

*sigh*

I'm shaking.
NO.
I can't.
Dear God, I pray for the strength to not falter.
Please.
Give me back my rationality.

Grad day

I began today with a heavy heart.
At the end of 2009, I had so much hope and plans for this day.
I thought of how I wanted to spend the day with you and my parents.
And now the day is here.
It wasn't what I thought it would.
I didn't feel as excited as I thought I would.

But I feel different.
I've seen how my parents have been there for me through everything.
I saw how happy they were today.
All I want to do now is continue to make them proud and provide for them as how they hv done for me.
My support system are the most important to me.
Some don't see how broken I am because they are there holding me together.

My friends are right, you don't deserve me.
Stop wasting my time.
Today, I hope the strength I've found to completely let go, stays.
I pray that it stays.

How I feel at the moment.

I want to weep.
Weep till my tears dry up.
Till I'm too numb to feel anything.
Then I'll sit quietly and live my life.
Without any feelings.
As if nothing is the matter.
As if I'm alright.
It'll be much better than how I feel now.

Tired.

I feel better when I don't see your name.
I feel better when I don't hear your name.
I feel better when I'm not thinking of you.
I feel better when I'm not reminded of you.

I just want you to be happy. Just as I want to be happy.
And since you've decided you're happy without me in your life, then so be it.
Because it was your choice.
Why are you contacting me?
You don't want to talk.
So don't waste your time.

I tired. So tired.

I am not a toy.

You're messing with my mind and emotions.
I'm exhausted as it is.
What do you want?
Friendship?
Sorry, I can't offer you that.
Stop playing with me.
Stop.

12/08

In my plans for 2010, this day was diff.

Down

sick of this facade...my heart hurts... literally.

*note to self: STOP sighing*

Ku tak suka kerana rupa, malah ku cinta kerana hati.
Ku tak benci kerana marah, malah ku sedih kerana terluka.
Ku tak heran gaya dan harta mu, hanya dirimu yang ku ingini.
Ku tak penting bagi dirimu, sampai disitu ku sedari.

What hurts the most is that I didn't even mean enough for you to at least TRY.

Moral of the story:
You'll never find someone who won't hurt you. So find someone who makes it worthwhile.

August

What a great way to start off the day.
Crying yet again.
How my heart hurts. Overwhelming.
I have to get a grip.
Getting so angry at myself for not being stronger.
When did I turn out to be so weak?
I need to build up that wall again. Even if it means not letting anyone in.

The memories.

Poisons my mind.
Scars my heart.
Shatters my spirit.
Fragile. Thats what I am.

But thank you for showing me that I am only human and that I can hurt just like anybody else.
Thank you for showing me how much love I am capable of giving.
Thank you for showing me how much determination I have.

Untitled.

I once met a man,
Whose wife was deceased,
He still wore his wedding ring,
To feel her hand in his'.

28/7/2010

Dear ______,

It has been 6 months today. And I've not seen you in 4 of those months. Only God knows how I feel at this moment. I never thought I'll feel sad for this long. I thought I was stronger than this. Yet even now my feelings for you remains the same. Only now, I bury it deep inside so I don't remember how much love I have. In order to keep sane. But I am no longer strong enough to pretend that I am doing ok. Because truth is, I am not ok. I don't know when or if I ever will be ok. That's how broken I am.

Each time you ask me 'how are you?', it just reminds me of how things are no longer the same. That reminder breaks my heart all over again. If you took a second to think about how I really am, you'd realise how broken I truly am. But you are too selfish to do so. There. I said it. You know its true. You pretend I'm ok so you don't feel guilty. You only think about yourself when you contact me because you're bored or you felt lonely.

I've lost myself in these 6 months and have realised how selfish I was being. Putting my emotions and feelings before everything else when there are so many others who have lost much more in their lives. I've been selfish in hoping that you'll spend time with me when you were busy with school, work, your friends and project _____. I've been selfish in hoping to hear about your daily activities or what you were up to when I lost that right in January. I've been selfish in hoping to hear from you when you were accomplishing so much with your life.

I never meant to make you feel guilty or pity. I hope you understand that as much as I try to be rational, most of the time, my sadness is just so overwhelming. If my selfishness ever made you feel bad, I apologise because that wasn't my intention. Indeed you are selfish but so was I. I'm sorry and I hope you forgive me.

If we bump into each other, forgive me if I don't smile. Please understand. If it's meant to be, perhaps we will meet again and I hope you try harder because I'm exhausted. And if you never feel ready and I never hear from you, it's not meant to be and I hope I never see you again. I wish you well in your life's journey.

Goodbye love.

Sincerely,
_____

Sesungguhnya, Tuhan sahaja yang lebih mengetahui...

Untitled

Wonderin' why he never called you back,
Worryin' if somethin' happened and if he's alright.
But he's out having fun and you're the furthest thing thats on his mind.
He ain't caring bout you,
Cause you aint nothing but just another girl.
What does it matter how you feel?
He's just in it for the cheap thrill.

Then amist his busy schedule he gets bored and that's where you come in.
A few laughs and an ego boost later,
He's gone again living his all important life.
Leavin' you yet again wonderin'.
Yeah he's done with you till boredom strikes again.

There you are realising you're alone to pick up the shattered pieces.
Bits of your heart that's been trampled on and kicked about.
Time and time again you feel strong enough to walk away,
But he makes your heart soar again and pull you back into his selfish cycle.
And that vicious cycle just keeps on going round and round.

I am not happy.

I seem happy on the surface with my family and friends.
Guess I'm getting better at acting huh...
One of my best friends suggested I call one of those helplines.
Maybe I will.
It's a strange and depressing state to be is really.
HOLLOW. EMPTY. ALONE.
Feeling my soul is broken and not knowing how to fix myself.
Its been so long that I've not felt like the old me.
When will I wake up from this nightmare?
Too bad this is not inception because if dying means waking up, I'd so do it.

This broken heart can still survive but what about my broken spirit?

End of first 3 days...

Been tired from work so haven't been blogging much but pretty much feel the same low sinking feeling. throughout the whole freaking day. My heart just sinks. When will it end? I seriously think I might be depressed. I should talk to someone. By that I mean a counsellor or something. Because even when I'm working I can feel my tears coming. How bad is that. At least at work I can force myself to control my tears.

A letter to God.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya, engkaulah Maha Mengetahui.

Please heal my broken heart.
Don't let me live my life with disappointments and negativity.
Please God, I beg of YOU, make me stop hurting.
I'm not sure how much of it I can tolerate anymore.
Please stop me from being this superficial person that I feel I am turning into. I know there are many more less fortunate than I am. I know my problems are nothing compared to some. Only you know how heavy my heart gets sometimes. But for me to keep grieving for what I have lost makes me feel selfish when others have lost more.

So please, give me the strength and energy to do good deeds instead of letting my grief get the best of me. Do not let me turn into this person who is so selfish that her problems comes first before everything else. I am not this person and I pray YOU lessen my grief so that I can focus on things that matters in life. Not the past.

It is what it is.

I hate not knowing what I want. Its INFURIATING! What am I going to do?

On another note, work starts next week. It'll probably tire me to death and I won't have as much time to think about stuff as much. I can only hope. But I'll miss the people I've met. I'll miss interacting with them. I hope I can find enough energy to go back on my off days.

I've never been as confused as this. Feel like my life is out of my control. And the control freak in me is going crazy with all the back and forth my mind is doing. I WANT TO FORGET. What I remember. What I feel. But to forget would mean nothing happened and that in itself would be more heartbreaking. It would mean that I was nothing. So insignificant that I meant nothing.

Crying my heart out is so exhausting. Especially since it doesn't solve anything. But knowing my life is different hurts so much. As hard as I try to hold myself together, I just keep breaking into pieces again and again.

*Shrugs*

I don't know anything anymore.
I'm so tired of trying to please everyone else.
People who just don't understand.
I feel like my spirit's broken.
I don't feel like smiling anymore.
I don't feel like me anymore.

I just want to live my life and not feel anymore.

Just a short one.

'When we love someone dearly, we go through every ounce of heartache and countless tears. At the end of it all, it ain't showing how much we've been hurt, but how much we've loved.'

Well, thats another way to look at it aint it? :)

p.s. Looked up to the night sky yesterday and that single star is still alone.

Today

Met with some poly friends today.
Bowled and ate at secret recipe.
Good friends, Great day.

Till I got home and cried my heart out. HAIZ.

I'm happy for my friends, that they are moving forward in their lives.
Conversations on engagements, rings, flats, marriage, kids.
Planning a future with someone. I am truly happy for them because they deserve to be happy.
I'm so envious of them. Its just that it reminds me that once again I'm alone. But whereas, a year ago it wouldn't have affected me, now I just feel so dejected.
I'm not planning to get married anytime soon yet the peer pressure to be with someone is so overwhelming.
And the emptiness I feel is so devastating that I just don't want to feel anymore.

I REFUSE TO.

Had a conversation with one of my best friends a few days ago about malay guys in general.
What they get up to, how they act and how the world has changed. She made me cry with dispair hearing the things she said that I had to accept that guys nowadays are just a certain way.

Why do I have to accept that guys are mostly jerks who does stuff behind their partner's back though they are in a stable relationship that has lasted years?
Why do I have to accept that they want someone to keep for marriage yet find OTHERS on the side?
Why do I have to accept that they might all be liars who don't tell the whole truth?
Why do I have to accept that they are just sweet talkers who don't have an ounce of sincerity?
Why do I have to accept that guys just leave, without having the decency to inform you?
Why do I have to accept that most guys act like the perfect boyfriend yet once the partner is out of sight, she's out of mind as well?
Why do I have to accept guys who so called 'repent' at a certain older age when they knew all along, from young, what they were doing?
(Those who really show remorse are excluded yet you cannot change your past, so prove with with your present.)
They just wanted to have their fun before marriage.
Am I supposed to accept them after they've had their fill?
Are women supposed to resign to fate and accept their filth?

Get this straight.
I REFUSE TO ACCEPT.
The people in the world may have changed for the worst but I believe there are still some guys who treat women with respect and not as objects. They may be rare but they are out there. I do know of some. When did the world changed to be such an immoral society? Indeed people can be deceitful and, who really knows anyone for that matter but you know what, KARMA'S A BITCH. If you are not punished in this lifetime, believe that you will in the afterlife. Which would be worse.

I am not talking about anyone in general because I do believe he's not like that. I honestly do though people just say I'm naive. I do honestly believe it wasn't a lie but only HE and he knows. My conscience is clear because I'm not accusing anyone of anything. Fact is, just as I know of some good guys, there are just ALOT more out there who just pretend to be good.

The bigger question is, How do I begin trusting again? Anyone for that matter.

Lets begin the second half of the year on a better note.

It's sad that the quotes about being in love and the quotes about heartbreak both remind me of the same person. But not to worry, they won't for much longer. Before this, I told myself never to NEED anyone, only to WANT them. But now, I've realised I don't even want you anymore because I want someone who is not selfish. Who treats me as an equal and as a choice rather than an option. Hati dah tawar dah macam naik menyampah.

Despite the emotional turmoil I went through since the beginning of the year, I have managed to accomplish quite a number of things; I've graduated, got my driving license and found a job within the first month of finishing school. I didn't do it alone though. I managed to accomplish all these things with the support and help of my family and friends. LOVES my support system.

So meanwhile, before work starts, I'm dedicating my time to people who actually appreciates having me. Doing something I've always wanted to do but just never found the time. They work me to death but I enjoy the interaction and the tasks because it keeps me occupied. And the way they smile when they see me, warms my heart and makes me forget my misery, even if for a short while.
To see how lonely they are, makes me thankful for those I have around me.
To see how fragile they are, makes me appreciate life much more and want to accomplish more while I am still young.
For how they have impacted my life, I only hope I spread some joy into their lives.

Surrounding myself with joy, I will fix my broken self. Have always wondered where do I begin when there are so many tiny pieces? Well, I don't know but I just have to start somewhere. I know I am stronger than this. And I will be stronger still.

I'M DONE.

period.

I have to do this for myself.

I did not realise that I had both fists clenched tightly as I held on to you.
If both my fists are clenched, how can anyone hold my hand?
How I want to be held again.
How I want to be loved again.
I miss showing my affection for someone and being all manja-manja.
How I want you.
You fail to understand I'll go through anything just to be with you.
You however just keep rejecting me.

So I've learnt I need unclench my fists and let go.
Of my dreams of a future with you. Of every part of you. Completely.
And leave my hands free for someone to tenderly hold my hands.
Who will love me as much as I love him.
Who will cheer me up when I'm down.
Who will pacify me when I'm upset. Because thats all a girl wants sometimes. To feel loved.
Who will do anything just to make me smile.

I'm tired of being alone. Of not having someone to talk to. Of all the crying.
You don't understand how I sick and tired I feel daily. Or shall I say you refuse to understand.
You pretend I'm ok so that you don't feel guilt on your conscience.
So I'll pretend I'm ok because I don't want you to feel guilty.

What I don't understand is how you don't feel tired from all the running.
Making something so easy so very complicated.
After you tire yourself out, HELLO? The problem is still there.
Don't make it sound like I'm being all dramatic. You know I'm not.
You know I don't like complications.
Life is not a drama.

I can't keep doing this to myself.

To keep hoping to see you online.
To keep hoping to see your name on my handphone.
AGAIN AND AGAIN.
The disappointment I feel when it doesn't happen is just too much sometimes.
I'm not blaming you. Its not your fault because how would you know right since I don't tell you?
I have to stop torturing myself like this. You keep popping back up into my life. When I feel strong enough to shut you out, you pull me back in again.

Should I just delete you off from everything you remind me of?
I don't know if that would work because I know your number and your email by heart.
If you'd only understand how torn I feel.
To have you in my life but to know that its different. I can't do it anymore. It hurts to much.
Should I just ignore you and pretend you don't exist?
I want to just walk away before I'm broken beyond repair.
I know I'll be ok eventually because I know HE is with me supporting me but will I be able to live with myself if I do that?

You said we should go out someday.
I WANT TO. God knows I want to see you.
But as what?
Friends?
Is it a date?
I don't know if I can handle seeing you just as friends. I might just break down. And then you'd just run again. Shifting your weight about and making the situation so awkward when its not.

Because you don't want to think and talk about it.
You just want to have someone there when you feel lonely. What do you take me for?
I know you feel lonely at the end of the day when you're done being with your friends.
To see them so happy with the ones they love. Frankly, I'm envious of them too. They are the lucky ones. Is it fair for you to find me only then?

You tell me to move on, YET ask yourself, why do you ask me out? why do you keep contacting me?
You can lie to me and say that you don't have any more feelings for me BUT you know you can't lie to yourself.
Stop being such a coward and face your feelings. Sometimes I just want to hit the heck out of you to wake you up. When I'm showing you how much I want to be with you, can't you at least man up and meet me halfway?
I have my pride too you know.
I can be patient. Look at how long I have been. Ask yourself, WHY DID I DO THAT?
You think I have nothing better to do is it?
Just tell me what you want and stop playing games. If you need time, tell me, but I need to know where you stand.
Figure it out, then come and find me.

Not mad at all...

How mad am I?
Well honestly I'm not mad at all. Though I wish I could be. It'd be easier.
I'm scared.
Of what?
Of losing you.
But you see, I've already lost you.
So I guess there is really nothing to be scared of anymore?

Something I have realised, if I want you to not be scared to say what's on your mind, then I shouldn't be either.
Why was I so scared?
I have a right to say what I feel without being scared of losing you.
Because like I've said, I've already lost you.
So don't be scared if I say something, its taken me a long time to gather my courage.
Don't make it hard for me by making the situation awkward ok?
Just always be honest with me ok?

Alhamdulillah.

"If you love someone more than HIM, HE will take him away from you"
I read the above on someone's blog about her journey with love and how she found God again.
The revelation suddenly hit me and I just couldn't control my emotions and broke down.
Astaghfirullah. It was never my intention.
Ya ALLAH, maafkanlah hambaMu yang lemah ini.

Thank YOU for not giving up on me when I gave up on myself.
Thank YOU for always being there when I felt so hopeless and lost.
Thank YOU for giving me all that YOU have given.
Thank YOU for remembering me even at times where I placed the world before the afterlife.
Thank YOU for giving me another chance to repent before YOU send death upon me.
Kerana dunia ini hanya pinjaman dan akhirat itu buat selamanya.

Alhamdulillah, I am truly fortunate that YOU have opened my heart to love YOU above all else.
I seek your guidance Ya ALLAH and pray to YOU that YOU help me on my journey to be a better Muslim with each passing day.

YOU did after all make us in pairs. Though I never questioned YOU, I now understand why YOU took him away from me. If YOU believe that was needed to make me a better person as well as a better Muslim, Alhamdulillah I will accept it whole heartedly. I believe that if he is really the one for me, we will meet again. And if he is not, I have faith that YOU will send someone better for me InsyaALLAH. I trust YOU and believe that what YOU have written for me is what YOU deem best for me.

Ya ALLAH, jauhkanlah and lindungilah aku daripada hasutan dan bisikan syaitan.
Berikanlah aku kekuatan dan kesabaran untuk menempuhi cabaran-cabaran hidup.
Peliharalah and lindungilah mereka yang aku cintai and sayangi dan berikanlah mereka kebahagian dalam kehidupan mereka.
Berikanlah aku penunjuk agar aku dapat menjadi seorang yang lebih solehah.
Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

1 lonely star.

Yesterday my mum kept asking me about you. AGAIN.
Why do you keep asking me about him mum?
Why would you want to meet him mum?
When I've asked you to stop.
Please mum? How do I even begin explaining?
Why do you have to like him?
Why couldn't you have told me this back then?
Why mum why?

Today I looked up at the deep dark sky.
At where we used to sit when you sent me home, I sat alone.
Looked up at how dark and silent the sky was.
I realised that all the stars have disappeared except for one.

One lonely star.
Struggling to shine and sparkle.
Trying to burn as bright as it can so that people will remember stars are still around.
How sad, even the stars are disappearing, just like your feelings for me.
Tears began forming and before I knew it there I was crying my heart out.

Alone.
Deserted.
I feel just like that star.
Trying to remind you of my existence.
But I no longer shine.
Because dear mum, he won't have any heartache finding a replacement for me.
I'm just another girl to him.


I miss how you smell...

To love is to let go even when it hurts you...

12/08/2009
10/09/2009
22/10/2009
02/11/2009
13/11/2009
30/12/2009
28/01/2010
31/03/2010

Do you remember what these dates stand for?
You probably don't. But I don't blame you.
The little things probably mean more to me than it does to you.
And each day, I'm reminded of them. AGAIN.

The details of each date. Many more dates than those above in fact. They remain fresh in my memory.
Try and test me.
Do you know how painful it is for me?
To remember what we once had and how it is no longer that way?
How my heart breaks from missing it? From missing you?

How I try to pretend that I'm ok with how things are now so that I'll still have you in my life? Just to hear from you. When deep down I'm struggling to hold myself together. Stopping myself from touching and holding you. Choosing my words ever so carefully. Because at the slightest thing, you will just avoid/ignore me again. Do you know how much more I break each time? The times I have shattered? You will never know.
Do you even care?
Probably not.
Because I don't mean anything to you.

Mengapakah hati manusia kerap berubah-ubah? Dengan sekelip mata semua berubah. Apakah CINTA itu sudah tiada nilainya lagi dalam zaman sekarang?

Am I just too naive to believe in 'The One'? To believe in true love? When some people after years of being together, split up, get divorced or just simply leave, am I asking for too much to want a love that lasts forever? But I mean, come on, we're all adults. No longer teenagers. All perfectly capable in making mature decisions and choices.

It just doesn't make sense to me. Because shouldn't 2 people who truly love each other wholeheartedly fight for their love? Through whatever if it means being together? It's not complicated. You either want to make it work or you don't. Simple as that. Isn't the love one receives worth any obstacles encountered?

And I now understand why some people die of a broken heart. Especially those old folks who have been fortunate enough to have had lived with 'The One' for their lifetime that when 'The One' passes, they just feel so empty, their zest of life is gone. How envious I am of them. To have had a lifetime of being in love.

So, have I met 'The One'? Is he already in my life and I just don't know it? Am I too focused on one person that I'm blind to others around me? Am I so unwilling to let go because every ounce of my being tells me he's 'The One'? Is he still the same guy I fell for? I don't know. And I don't know how to find out. The fact that memories will never change makes it all the more harder for me to let go. The places we went together remains the same yet your feelings for me have changed.

You don't realise you're only running away from yourself. Look back once in awhile and you might just realise that there's nobody chasing after you.

Do you even still 'Remember Me'? The girl whose heart; you've taken? you've stomped on? you've trampled on? you've broken to pieces?

What do you think?

That day you asked me if I hate you.

Should I?
Do you want me to?
Do you really think that my love has turned to hatred?
If you do, then you don't know me at all.

Ponder on this.

"I'm not saying he's not great. I'm saying someone else could be just as great. You think he's the only one when maybe he's really just the first one. You think he's The Guy, but he's really just a guy. And so many guys would be willing to be Your Guy. If you would just see them. If you could just give them a chance."

Wow.
Powerful words.
So am I ready to 'see' them?
I don't know. Maybe? Maybe not?
Maybe I just need some time to myself?

Honestly, I don't know what I feel right now.
I don't know how I feel about you anymore.
Apakah hatiku ini sudah begitu tawar?

Though I see you in my dreams,
I've been praying that God heal my aching heart and help me find peace within myself.
I think HE's been listening and answering my prayers because I do feel a little better.
I've not been crying as much.
I've been alot calmer.
Dear God, please let it continue.

Another year older.

Happy Birthday wishes flooded me today.
Yet only a close group of dear friends know how unhappy I have been.
For a long time.
It really wasn't a happy birthday for me.
Today, I forced a happy face on for my friends and family, resisting the urge to cry.
Only for them, because they deserve to see me smile.
But the smiles I pasted on my face, they no longer reach my eyes.
They haven't for quite some time now.
Yet only those who truly know me can tell.

As I turn 24, it marks the end of my 24th year of life. At the end of my 23rd year in June 2009 , I told myself, I will make the year ahead the most memorable one yet. Boyyyy, little did I know what was coming. My 24th year was literally the happiest 6 months and the most miserable 6 months of my entire life. I have truly never experienced such joy and such misery.

Highest highs, lowest lows. The saddest part is, I don't even know what truly went wrong. But I guess, when someone is adamant on picking up the many stones instead of treasuring a diamond, then one should let him. Because one day he will realise that the bag of rocks are worthless. And when a diamond sees how weighed down he is by his collection of rocks, she wouldn't want to add on to that weight and be treated like a stone by him. By the time he realises how much time he has wasted picking up stones, someone else would have found the diamond and he may never find another diamond.

I know I have been very lucky in life, with the opportunities I've been given as well as with luck in general, and I am very thankful to God for that. For the guidance YOU have given me on how to lead my life. For that intuition that has yet to fail me. For giving me a family that I know will be there no matter what. For surrounding me with the best group of friends I can ever ask for. The support system that held me up when I was breaking down. :'(

Not many will get to read this post or even know how much they've helped me, but I will truly remember all that they have done for me and can only hope to repay them one day.

A part of me resents the fact that I am no longer as positive as I was. How a part of my innocence is gone somewhat. How my view on the world has changed. Yet, I have truly learnt alot in the past year. And I learnt it the hard way. But maybe thats what I needed to open my eyes? That view of wanting to see the good in people is good. But I now know, I can't ONLY want to see the good in them. I had not realise how naive I had truly been. How sheltered my view on life was.

It has made me realise that life isn't a fairytale.
And thats the saddest part of all, because life shouldn't be so complicated.
Because everyone have a right to have a happy ending right?
I have a right to get my happy ending. So, I'll be patient God.

I hate this sense of longing that has been created. I don't know what to do about it. It makes me feel lost. Like I've lost a sense of who I am. Where do I start finding myself again?
What I fear is, 2010 is ONLY halfway over. What will the 2nd half of 2010 bring?

Best birthday present this year?
Having the people I love this day last year still here with me one year on.

So thank you God for reminding me that I am not alone. That I have my family, my friends and most importantly, I have YOU constantly by my side through life's joys and disappointments.

This could be a song.

Victory is yours for succeeding in making me fall.
Strength is mine for all the love that I gave.

To you, its just a distant memory.
For me, the pain remains the same.

Its not so easy to forget.
For I have lost in your game of emotions.

Don't be mistaken, there was never a point where I gave up.
I merely let go after giving it my all.

I've lost the battle so forgive me if I don't shake your hand.
I hope you enjoy your win because from where I stand, we lost it all.

Hmmm...

Hmm... again the same thing happened.
After solat subuh.
But this time I don't remember anything about the dream.
Just a feeling I had that I did dream of you.
I saw your face but the background was a blur to me now.

Or was it just my feelings of you? Because I miss you so much?
Hmmm...

Tomorrow will be another day.

I performed solat istikharah again today.
I hope I get an answer/confirmation tomorrow.
Dear God, please?
And if your answer is not something I'm hoping for, please give me the strength to accept it and find peace with it.

I'm tired.
Sometimes I just want to run away and never come back.

I've been waiting...

I keep waiting...
To fit into your busy schedule...
Because no matter how busy one is, one can always make time for those important to him/her.

So I guess its quite obvious isn't it.
That I am not important to you.
That I don't mean anything to you.
That I am just another girl to cast off.
When did I become that girl?

Hmm.. I wonder...

Hmmm I'm not sure what to expect when I slept yesterday night.
I did dream of you though.
But it wasn't during the night (which I didn't dream of anything).
Instead it was during the sleep I had after solat subuh.
I'm not sure if it counts?
Hmmm... I feel calm now, but I'm not sure what it means or even if it means anything.
I'm not sure if its confusion. I feel ok.
I wonder if I can perform the solat again?
Will it give a confirmation of some sort?

There is a saying,
'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; if they don't, they never were.'
So I've opened that cage and you have flown away my little birdie.
I miss those days when you made me happy with your joyful chirping.
How excited and happy you were to see me.
And how each morning I looked forward to seeing you and hearing from you.
Now everyday I face that empty cage with its door still open and my heart breaks all over again.
And when the time comes that little birdie finally feels its time to go back, he might just discover that the cage is no longer vacant and that door is now closed to him.

Thats actually what I'm afraid of.
Because I want that door to always be open for you.
But is it really worth it to wait? Its a year till you finish school.
I want to wait but what if it was for nothing?
Because you've not given me that security.
What if you not being ready was just an excuse you gave me?
Am I being stupid?
Waiting for you because my heart won't quit on you?
What does that make me?

I have been understanding and I have accepted your past because what I want is a future with you.
Because the past is what makes people into who they are and there's nothing anyone can do to change their past after all.
I guess if its meant to be, I will meet you again.
But how long will that be?
And if its not, I hope I NEVER see you again.

If it were still vacant, and if we meet again, I don't know if that door to my heart will still be open for you.
What if you've filled the time when we were apart with many replacements?
You might not have been serious about them but they are people with feelings.
And for you to play with people's emotions like that,
Will I be able to look at you the same way?
Will any others be able to accept you and your long list?
But I'm unsure of what to do if that list gets longer.

All this time I have given and waited, for anyone but you, it wouldn't have been worth it.

Solat Istikharah for guidance.

I think I'll be doing it tonight.
I know God will give me a sign in a dream or a feeling.
But how do I tell what kind of feeling it will be?
What if I think I feel something but instead its just my feelings for you clouding my judgement?
I will need to clear my mind.
Hmmm... In the doa, it states that I am also seeking for God to let my heart be contented with the answer given to me. Let me find peace with what fate has in store for me. I hope I do.

So yeah.

I'll be celebrating my birthday 'alone'.
YET AGAIN.
But what else is new right.
Story of my life.

Long day.

Went to KL today for a wedding. What a long journey. So exhausted from all the travelling.

On the way home, I was just staring out into space on the very very dark highway when I noticed how many beautiful stars there were.
As I gazed and looked around for more stars, I'm reminded of the promise you once made to me.
To go star gazing. The promise never fulfilled. That wasn't the only one.
I realise tears rolling down my cheeks, so I try to push the thoughts of you out.
Like dots in the night sky, I pretend to line the stars together to form an image.
But the only image that appears are the memories of what once were...

I once said to you 'Don't let go, don't ever let go'
So why did you?

Meeting loves today.

Will be meeting my besties today.
Coincidentally a week before my birthday and 4 days before farah's.
I've missed them. Its been a long time since the 4 of us met up.
I'm looking forward to it. Just don't feel as excited as I wanted to be.
But I'm sure when I'm with them I'll feel happier.
I hope.
I need a good day right now.

Thank you God.

Dear God, thank you for the strength that you have given me today.
Thank you for giving me the strength to not cry for hours today.
Thank you for letting my mind concentrate on other aspects of my life today.
Thank you for giving a few hours of no distractions to apply for jobs.
I pray that for days to come, you give me that strength as well.

InsyaAllah. Amin.

For the 4th time today.

Enjoyed my driving lesson today (though I didn't drive that well today).
Cheered up for awhile because my instructor was nice.

On the way to work, 3 friends smsed me back and forth.
How I enjoy that. The sms exchanges going on and on. :)

But when I went to work and saw the list of people.
OMG.
Why did every single page have your name on it.
Having to call those people and saying out your name.
OMG.
Dear God, don't make it harder for me than it already is.
Please.

And I don't know why I keep getting phonecalls from unknown numbers on my handphone these past months. When I pick up, nobody speaks. How weird is that.

Something I shoud have done a long time ago...

Perhaps, I should have solat istikharah first and foremost in the beginning of the year.
Perhaps than I wouldn't have put myself through months of misery?
Ok, as soon as I can pray again, I will.
Meanwhile, going to find out what I can about it.

Ugh.

That day in January, I cried so much that I felt dizzy and vomitted when I was about to go to bed.

Now, its not just one day, its daily.
Daily my eyes are swollen.
Daily, I feel SICK.
So lightheaded.

I'm not mad.

Chatted with you for awhile on skype yesterday.
I knew you were busy and thats why you didn't prompt me.
So I prompted you. I didn't mean to disturb you. Just wanted to say hi.
And when you said you had to go do some stuff, I understood and was trying to kid around.
But maybe you thought I was serious when I said 'action busy, go then'.
Maybe I should have added a 'haha'.
Haiyoh, why do things have to be so awkward? Its not to me so you should stop making it awkward.
Sometimes its all in the tone. When you want to say you are busy, can't you say it nicely?
You always sound like you are brushing me off. Do you know that it hurts me?

Most of the time, I feel like I can't approach you when you are busy. Its makes me feel guilty and unimportant.
Yet, when I am busy and you are bored/not doing anything, you can approach me, expecting me to entertain you.
Why the double standard?
Even when I'm busy, I chat/sms/talk to you because I love to be in contact with you.
But do you see me as a distraction when I do the same.

Perhaps the double standard exists because you don't feel for me the same way I feel for you.
I miss your voice. Will you call me again?

I can't do it anymore.

I can't put myself through hours of misery for a few minutes of laughter.
I can't keep having hope.
I can't.

Do you know that I kept your smses. From the very first day you smsed me.
The sweet ones, the funny ones, the memorable dates.
There were more than 120 of them.
Through the months, I've slowly deleted them off.
Crying while I do so.
Now I'm left with 20 smses. Those I just can't bring myself to get rid off yet.
Will I ever be able to delete ALL of them?

You probably don't have a single of mine.
Even of you did, its probably because you were to lazy to delete your smses.
Till your inbox is full. Then maybe you mass delete all to clear your inbox. Because thats all I am to you, just another girl.

Why do you make it so hard for me to hate you?
I am so stupid for loving you.
Because you don't care.
As for your guilt, KEEP IT, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT IT.

You will never know...

I met my friend 2 days before she flew back.
While waiting for her, I realised, it has been 4 months since that fateful day in january.
OMG.

When you messaged me out of the blue on friday, my eyes just started tearing up.
Before I knew it tears started to flow.
Trying my hardest to stop myself from getting worse because I was about to go driving.
1 month of not getting a message from you.
Did you even realise?

I didn't want to reply. What do I say to that statement? Why did you have to ask?
1 month of not messaging you.
Did you even realise?

Today, you don't know how I felt when I heard your voice.
After 1 month of not hearing it.
Did you even realise?

After 1 month of not hearing your laughter.
Did you even realise?

After 2 months of not seeing you.
Did you even realise?

Today,
My eyes are so swollen.
My mind is in a whirlwind.
My heart feels so heavy.
You don't even realise.

Yet today, I laughed again with you. You have no idea how that few minutes made me so happy.

Dear God, I don't know why YOU always make him contact me when I am totally not thinking of him, when I am totally engrossed in other stuff. YOU know how exhausting it has been for me with him constantly on my mind. Its almost as if YOU want him to be on my mind all the time. Haiz...

ARGHHH

FRUSTRATED!!!

I feel so lost.
I don't know where my life is headed.
EVERYTHING is uncertain right now.
Every single aspect.

I hate that my eyes tear up EVERYTIME I go to places we've been to.
:'(

Sometimes I just want to disappear and never come back.

I don't know what you want from me.
You've been ignoring me for such a long time and then now suddenly you're contacting me again.
I'm not going to lie, it makes me happy.
But I'm scared of having hope.
So I'm trying to hold myself back.
What do you want from me?

If you want to start over you should tell me.
So I can be completely myself.
I want everything to be normal again.
I want to laugh with you again.
I miss teasing you.
But I'm scared of getting my hopes up only to have them plummeting down once again.
Because if what you want is JUST friendship, I can't do that.
I'm not strong enough.

You promised me you'd always be honest with me.
If you are just playing with me, God help you.

I miss my grimace so much and all I want to do is give him a great big hug! :(

Stop asking me.

My mother keeps asking me about you. So many questions.
I've avoided answering her all this while but I couldn't take it anymore so I said,
'We're no longer friends'.
Then she asked 'Why not? Why don't you want to be friends with a good man? Because he smokes? It's a small matter what. Why you don't want to be friends?'.
Isn't that just like my mother, to assume I'm at fault.
I just replied 'Smoking has nothing to do with it. Don't ask me anymore'.

How do I tell her that YOU'RE the one that don't want me?
Maybe because there is something wrong with me.

Here I go talking to myself again...

Yesterday you messaged me.
Today you chatted with me on FB.
You made me smile both times.
How hard I was trying to not reply.
I didn't want to actually, till you asked me if I got your message.
Because I'm too polite to not answer a question.
Then, I just, couldn't help myself.
Haiz...

But I don't know why you are contacting me.
Why would you say out of nowhere that you still remember my birthday is this month?
What is your intention?

Please don't be nice if you are only doing it because my birthday is coming.
Please?
Because I don't want your guilt.
Haiz, I think I have to ask you to stop making me laugh.
Stop talking to me if I have to.
Haiz...

Till then...

Remember I told you I want you in my life?
That we should stay friends?
Well, I do.
But not right now.
It's too soon.
I need to get over you first.
Because right now, when you make me laugh, I end up falling a little more for you again.
Thats not your fault. I want to make you laugh also.
But I'm sure thats not what you want also.

At times, I want to forget EVERYTHING.
Just like strangers getting to know each other again.
With friendship and no expectations.
That would be nice if we can do that :)
FRESH CLEAN SLATE.
I'd like that very much.

Well, if you ever feel ready, you know where to find me.

Oh well...
Till our paths meet again...

Why I did what I did.

God knows, how much I wanted to move on.
God knows, how much I wanted to HATE you so it'd be easier.
God knows, how angry I TRIED to get at you.
Why HE didn't let me, I don't know.
Perhaps its because...
God knows, how determined I was to not give up on you.
God knows, how much I loved you.

How it killed me to give up on you, you will never know.
Neither will you ever understand.
Fact is, a woman's love is much deeper than a man's love.
I wasn't going to leave. But you forced me out of your life.

I gave up not because I didn't love you.
I gave up because I was losing myself in my love for you.
All that sadness was not who I am.
I gave up because I did not want to end my life for you.
(Thank You Ya Allah for this)
I gave up because I was near the point of being BROKEN.

Most of all, I gave up because you did not love me.
Because when I gave you 4 months of my life waiting to talk to you, you didn't even bother to give me a few minutes/hours.
Instead you ignored everything and constantly said 'I dunno'.
Maybe thats why you smoke so much, to 'escape' from your troubles in life.
Because you refuse to face them.
You fail to realise that when that stick burns out, your troubles will still be there.

I gave up because I was so insignificant to you that I could be ignored.
It worries me if a part of me will never give up completely. :'(

Can't figure out what's wrong...

I don't know what else to say.
I don't know how he sees me anymore.
I want to ask but he'll only say he doesn't know.
For someone so smart he sure does not know alot of things.

I miss seeing his name on my phone.
I want to get angry yet all I feel is sadness.
And I don't even know why.
And though I keep telling myself to move on, I'm scared I never will.
God, I'm scared.

It's like, over the years, I've choked on fish bones a couple of times.
BUT I'm not going to let that stop me from eating fish.
Why let the fear make you miss out on a good thing?
Face the fear. Just be more careful. And reap the benefits.
This is something he has yet to understand.
Sometimes I wish someone would tell him.
To make him understand.

I am glad however that I met him and he reminded me of YOUR importance God.
I had not realise how distant I was getting from YOU.
And that is definitely one good thing that has come out from this.
For that, I will always be grateful to him.

Sometimes I wish he can read all of what I've written.
But I don't think he would care.

Fact

Often, those who laugh wholeheartedly, cry the same way.

I want to stop.

To stop caring would be easier.
But to stop caring is something I can't do.
It's just not in my nature to.
Though at times how I wish I could,
My problem is that I care too much.
And that I'm stupid for caring so much for someone who obviously does not care.

I guess I just have to wait till I start caring about someone else.
I pray I don't break completely meanwhile.

Not again...

Ya Allah, please I beg of you, don't test me like this.
Take all these thoughts of him from me.
I just want to forget.
Everything that happened in the last year.
Get amnesia or something.
Or at least make me stop feeling for awhile.
I cannot take breaking down constantly anymore.
Please.

Mid year

You told me once, "I'm falling for you, you know".
You told me once, "please don't run away".
You told me once, "don't leave me".
All in the same day.
That day, I went against my instincts and I stopped.
But then, you started running.
When I brought that wall down for you.

June is rolling around.
But I don't think you'd remember/care what occasion it is.
Because I don't mean anything to you.

Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and realise what you deserve

I will always love that person I knew.
For he showed me what I was missing.
You are just stranger to me now.
I don't know where he went.
I'm devastated and heartbroken that he's gone but hope that one day I'll meet him again.
Wherever he is, my prayers are with him.

I miss him.
So much.

I love him.
So much.

Goodbye stranger.

Hi, my name is _____

Yet another dream of you.
I don't think they are signs anymore.
I just think that because I force myself not to think of you during the day, my mind goes free at night and so it wanders.
In this dream we were talking about beginning with a fresh clean slate.
Completely forgetting the past and pretending we are strangers again getting to know each other.
Hmmm... Thats quite an idea huh... It'll be nice if we could do that.
Just shake hands and re-introduce ourselves from the beginning.
Start with FRIENDSHIP.
We can put to use what we're learnt from the experience and not repeat it.
Because fact is we should have gotten to know each other properly first.
But yeah like I've said, I can't do it alone.
And to approach you to ask that, I don't think I can handle not getting a response from you.
Because everytime I ask you something you say you don't know.
Well, how are you supposed to know if you refuse to think about it?

:)

Today was such a good day.
Went for driving, got the instructor which I always get.
He's much friendlier today. I mean, he's always been nice but sometimes he's too quiet.
I think he's beginning to feel more comfortable with me.
Can joke around now instead of him being so stiff. Haha...

Then met 2 friends at orchard. Was supposed to watch shrek but couldn't make it in time. :(
Oh well... there's always next time.
But had such a great time talking and LAUGHING!
God, I miss laughing.
Laughed till tears flowed. HAHAHA.
Today was <3
:)

Other fishes in the sea.

I have decided thats its about time I move on.
Because you know where to find me should you decide to.
Should you decide not to, well its your loss.
Although my heart wants to find that one fish and wants to wait and hope to find it eventually, my brain is telling me there are other fishes in the sea.

Its time for me to let in those who are sincere and actually want me in their life into my life.
Because I refuse to let love out.
I don't want to keep rejecting it and risk it not coming my way anymore.

I will leave it up to fate.
Because as always, I BELIEVE God will choose one that is right for me.
Maybe its you, maybe its not, but whatever it is, I BELIEVE in HIM.
That HE will choose someone who will love me more than he loves himself.
And when I look at him, I'll know that I feel the exact same way about him. :)

STOP

I want to stop hoping.
Because with hope comes disappointment.
With disappointment comes sadness.
And frankly, I'm sick and tired of being sad.
Because that is not who I am.
I am someone who enjoys life, who laughs at the slightest thing.
Who brushes things and people that don't matter, off and out of her life.
I want my smile to reach my eyes again.
To giggle just for the fun of it.

I need and want to find that person again.
Because I am not happy with this person I've turned into.
And really, no one can help me except myself.
So, Ya Allah, I pray to you, please give me the strength to forget and move on.
Because that is what I have decided to do.
I believe that man I love is somewhere deep down but I cannot wait for him.
Because waiting for him is like waiting for rain in this heatwave.
Useless and disappointing.

Please stop sending me signs about him.
Please give me the patience to live my life knowing that you will send someone for me one day. Please give me that patience to wait.
Please make me believe that that someone is worth waiting for.
Because I know he will be.
I have faith he will be.

Sesungguhnya, aku mahu ber-redha kepadamu...

Please don't let the process repeat.

Yet again, I wake up every morning to that sick feeling in my heart and stomach.
Like I want to vomit and I keep coughing and coughing.

Don't get me started on my mind. How tired it has been.
You're the first thing on my mind the moment I open my eyes.
I can force myself to not think of you when I'm awake but how do I control myself from thinking of you when I'm asleep???

I'm starting to think I wake up naturally because of these sick feelings instead of having had a good long night's sleep.

2 steps fwd, 1 step back.

Woke up today to a dream of you.
In my dream, I was sleeping at home when i heard some noise at the back of my house.
Opened my window and saw some of your friends. So shocked. Continued to scan around.
One by one. There they were.
From what you guys and gals are wearing and bringing, looks like about to go touring.
Scanned the crowd and there you were.
Looking the same as I remembered.
Felt a twinge of sadness.
Crept out quietly and hid beside a staircase just observing you.
God how long I've not seen you and how much I miss you. :(
So as I crouched down low observing you guys getting ready to move off again, I wondered why of all places you guys stopped here to take a break when you know thats where I live.
As I hear engines starting one by one, I willed you not to go. How my heart don't want to see you going off. When will I see you again? Will I ever see you again?
Just as you were about to get on your bike, something seems to be going through your mind and you switch the engine off.
Signalling to your friends to wait and turn off their engines too, you walk towards the staircase.
I crouched lower, hoping you don't find me there.
But you continue walking, down the stairs, towards my house.
In my mind, I was thinking, 'what are you doing? why are you walking this direction?'
As you are walking down, you pause, turned towards where I was and I was busted.
I don't remember how it happened but then we were sitting beside each other and holding hands on the stairs and talking.
I don't remember what it was about but how I've missed talking to you.
How I miss you holding me.
Tears flow and you wiped them off my cheeks with your hand.
That only makes me cry harder.
I don't remember what happens next but then I woke up.

Dear God, please tell me what it is you are trying to tell me.
Give me more signs like you've always done.
Do you not want me to move on? Are you telling me to not give up?
I'm as confused as ever.
Please God, help me through this period in my life.

Oprah sure helps...

I think I need to change my thinking.
I know I should.
Just, letting go of that dream of what we were.
What we could be.
That dream of our future together, all the things we were going to do.
That's the hardest part.
To start from square one.
Is so scary and it terrifies the heck out of me.
But I think it'll be better than feeling depressed all the time.
So i need to do this for myself.
To gain control of my life.
To find my sense of rationality again.

The One. maybe not.

Have you ever met someone whom you thought was the one?
Someone whom you believed you've been waiting for all your life to meet?
Someone you waited for for 23 years.
Someone who makes you feel so special that you can't believe he chose to be with you?
And how you see your future when you look at him.
And although you guys are complete opposites, something just feels right.
Because you've seen how he takes care of you, how he smiles and looks at you.
No matter how angry or annoyed you get at him, a smile from him just makes you smile right back.
How he made you laugh.
And how he loved seeing you smile.

Well, I've met him. And lost him.
And how heartbroken I was.
And how much I have cried. And hoped. And prayed and begged God.
That he might change his mind.
But I can't force someone to stay if he does not want to.

Is it fair to associate me with your past?
When each person is different.
When you know it was your own fault she left.
When you were given another chance, this time with me, to not repeat your mistake.
Yet you fail to learn from you mistake.

Because it takes two in a relationship.
Which you fail to realise. YET AGAIN
Someone who wants to run away from problems instead of facing them.
Letting the fear that the person he loves will leave, leaving him devastated, to dictate how he lives his life.
Someone who would rather lose you now rather than years down the road potentially fearing he will that devastation again.

When I've given 4 months of my life after we broke up trying to prove to you that I wasn't going anywhere.
Those tears they kept falling in those 4 months.
4 months of not knowing where I stood.
4 months of not knowing where we were going.
4 months of complete misery.
It has been exhausting.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
Physically.

And though my determination won't let me wave that white flag, my heart is raising it high.
Because now when I think/look at you, I no longer feel love.
All I see is HURT.

Soon

Perhaps God has a different plan for me.
Maybe he was just sent into my life to teach me something.
Because people remain and exit one's life for a reason.
Though it hurts and it's hard to let go, I hope God has a better plan for me.
I need to be strong.
For myself.
I hope as days goes by I'll feel better.
I'll forget easier.
I hope that day comes soon.

Life

In life, you can never get everything you want.
Everybody has problems.
Be it financial, family, relationships, friends, work or school.
All different but all problems.
Its up to the individual how he/she handles it.
Some cry.
Some smoke.
Some use drugs.
Some distract themselves.
Some take the easy way out.
And the brave, face it head on.
I hope to belong to the last category and am trying my hardest to.
Because I believe one has to face challenges in life to learn and become stronger.
It will truly make one stronger than what one was.

Let's say for example you are taking a maths test.
There are many mathematical problems in that one test of course.
And if you don't know how to solve one, you skip to another.
And the process repeats till you reach the end of the paper.
And at the end of the test, you realise, just because you did not solve the problem, doesn't mean its not there.
Doesn't mean it disappears.
Doesn't mean it solves itself.
In fact, the problems just add on.
It just accumulates if you don't try and solve it.
You can wait till the test duration is over yet the problems will still be there - unsolved.
SO TRY.
At the very least you can say you've tried your hardest.

It's easy to envy certain people whom you think has everything.
But you never really know.
Each person is different so it's best not to compare.
What one lacks, one may have plenty of a different thing.