Your day

A few months ago I posted Adele's song and today it became reality. To finish things off, No, I do not wish for someone like you...

Today

I know I shouldn't but I just read a few jounal entries that I wrote before setting up this blog. After reading about 4, I just couldn't continue because all those emotions that I felt at that time just came rushing back. I don't ever want to feel like that again. Insignificant. I wish I am a big enough person to say I wish you well and all the best in life but I am not. I will not curse you and wish you go to hell either. I just hope one day you feel like how I felt. Good and bad, I hope you feel it all. After all, a retribution in life will be much easier than one in the afterlife.

It's a few months early...

'I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.' - Adele

Down.

I just feel so weird today.
It's like I'm cranky yet so upset for no apparent reason.
My heart is hurting.
A sense of restlessness surrounds me.
Like I just want to run.
Run from what exactly?
Why?

26

It's your birthday today.
I will not message to wish you a happy birthday because either way, I doubt you'd care.
So instead, on this day, I would like to thank you with this post.
I had thought you were everything I had ever looked for.
Thank you for showing me what I do not want in a partner.
Thank you for making me realise how wrong I was. If not I'd have been blinded forever.
Thank you for letting me go. That allowed me to feel what it is really like to be loved and to have that security you never gave.
Thank you for hurting me and making me stronger.

Praying for an answer.

I really hate my current seat.
It makes me sad and depressed all the time.
I'm scared to be honest.
What if I get worse and slip into depression..?
Its making me nervous just thinking about it.
I really think there is something wrong with me.

Down.

I just feel so down.
Like I want to cry but for no specific reason.
What is wrong with me?
Just can't get rid of that heaviness.

It just was not meant to be

I woke up today to a dream that you were getting married to her on March 2012.
Mixed emotions really.
I'm glad I'm no longer awaken with that depressing heaviness in my heart.
But I'll be lying if I said it didn't even affect me.
Could be my mood swings that's making me think about it actually.

I understand and accept now that all the qualities that I yearned to find in a partner does not equal to happiness.
ALL the qualities in the world does not matter if he does not care for me.
Does not cherish me and what I gave & compromised.
Truly you are not worth it.
To move on like nothing ever happened, do you know how much that hurt me?
Not that you'd care.
But maybe you should, because you could one day also feel like how I did.
And when that day comes, I swear to you that you'd never be able to look at me in the eyes.

I don't think I can write about the stages after a break up after all. It'll bring back to much memories that I've let sail away. Just thinking about what to write here has brought up fears in myself. I'm not sure if the grief is something that I can go through again. It may just break me for good and I've gone through too much to let you hurt me again. I can say it's a lesson for me. I've learnt to be myself in order to see that someone really loves me for me and not just for my 'package'. As much as I want to say screw you and you never mattered anyway, I know myself only too well to know the impact you left. So what I have decided to do instead is write a list. A list of what I hve learnt since the day you left...

Life.

Its never perfect.
There will always be things beyond one's control.

I hate this feeling of not knowing where my life is headed and being confused constantly. I've got no plans, so behind when compared to my peers.

A random morning.

So many people around me are sad now. It only reminds me of the position I was once at and I don't think I can write about the stages after a break up after all. It'll bring back to much memories that I've let sail away. Just thinking about what to write here has brought up fears in myself. I'm not sure if the grief is something that I can go through again. It may just break me for good and I've gone through too much to let you hurt me again. I can say it's a lesson learnt for me. I've learnt to be totally myself in order to see if that someone really loves me for me and not just for my 'package'. As much as I want to say screw you and you never mattered anyway, I know myself only too well to know the impact you have had on my life. I will not wish you well and I pray to Allah everyday that He takes any bad thoughts that I impose on you away. I just want to be numb and take the chapter with you as a distant memory of how I lost myself. I'll be damned if I let the memories of you seep back in again.

Its been a few weeks

I've been feeling alright last couple of weeks other than the depression of my job.
Have not been blogging.
Guess my blogging frequency is tied up to my emotions after all.
I've not been happy with my job.
Been applying like crazy but not much luck.
There has been a few interviews and I'm just taking it as it comes.

I shall write a post soon abt the stages of a break-up because I believe that I have finally put that chapter behind me.

5/9/2011

Alright so yesterday I met a friend that as fate would decide, is someone that I met through you. What he told me really surprised me. It seems like the person I once knew has completely disappeared. It just didn't seem like something you would do, or so I am fooled to believe. As I thought aboutt the timeline of events, things seems to fall into place. Your behaviour no longer seemed so strange or unexplainable. He told me at how you guys were messaging and contacting each other till late at night. I do not know when you started having feelings for her so, to say that you left because of that would be just an assumption. Perhaps it was when you met her that you realised that I did not have the qualities that you wanted and that she had. So my answer as to why you were still contacting me through the months?

You wanted me there JUST IN CASE.

You know what?
I've realised that I deserve someone much better than you.
Because someone as selfish as you could never love anyone more than you love yourself.

Perhaps someone like you deserve someone like her.
I don't know her so it would be out of place for me to say anything against her.
Perhaps her presense in your life has made you a better person as far as you are concerned.
Things has a way of working itself out and perhaps one day you will realise how much hurt you've inflicted on the people around you.

But as far as I'm concerned,
You are dead to me.

Something I wrote months ago and found while cleaning my room

Tears don't solve anything.
They are, but my sadness surfacing.
My moments of weakness.
No I am not strong.
But at least I know I'm not a coward.
Call me weak if you must.
Because if being able to feel is a flow.
Than by all means...
Because I know I'm not perfect.
Never was & still not trying to be...

Yesteryear

I remembered my friend Jimmy saying to me more than a year ago that I was fortunate it happened only a few months into the relationship rather than years down the road when the hurt would only be much more. When he said that, I knew it was the truth but never really accepted it till this year. At the point, I was still very much hurt and was in denial really. Now I realise how true his words rang.

Yesterday I had a conversation with someone whose fiancee broke off the engagement a month before the wedding. I was shocked and needless to say, sympathised greatly at how he must feel right now. The heartbreak I felt could only be a silver to his. It has only been around 3 months for him so I'm sure it is still as fresh. I offered some words of encouragement and truly, I'm taking a page out of my own book. I believed the words I said to him that tomorrow will be a better day and overtinking just hurts you more.

I know he gets what I'm saying. Yet, at the same time I know that right now, words are merely words to comfort him. I hope he continues to have faith in God during those hard days because those days will come. Maybe more than he'd like but with time, the memories will fade. The experience will change him whether he likes it or not but it is a change that God has destined for him. Perhaps, meant to test his strength and build his faith. As a friend, I hope he goes forward a day at a time because overcoming each day is the real struggle. Each day you wake up to is another day you survived. A daily journey for everyone really.

Obviously no one cares.

Work has been depressing.
If not for the friends, I truly wouldn't even bother going.
It just goes to show that whatever I do and no matter how hard I try, I'll never be good enough.
It's a reflection on my personal life too.
I wasn't good enough for him and I'm not good enough at work too apparently.
I'm not pretty enough.
Not smart enough.
Not good enough.
Not religious enough.
Not talented enough.
Just. Not enough.
No one will appreciate me and there will always be someone else that is deemed better than me.
Sometimes I don't know why I even bother.

To get my life back on track..

I need to list down the things I want to accomplish (which includes things I've been putting off):

1. Get a new job. Apply like crazy!
2. Sort out facebook shop.
3. Write resignation letter.
4. Meet my friends more.
5. Smile. And mean it.
6. Look at the future and block out the past.
7. Numb myself for awhile and recover.

12th July 2011

1.5 years.
Of not knowing.
Of left hanging.
Mixed emotions to know its over.

Sad I failed after so long.
Disappointed I let myself be in that position.
Angry it took so long for you to tell me.
Relief to be able to move on with nothing holding me back.
Happy I have no regrets.

Because I know I truly gave it my all.
Many times I cast my pride aside for you.
Many times I kept silent on how hurt and frustrated I was.

I finally have an answer.
I will not say thank you because it's long overdue.
I shall say however that I appreciate the reply as, from experience, I was prepared for no response.
I appreciate the honestly so I can truthfully say I can & will cut you from my heart.
I will remember you as a painful lesson in life.

I do not wish to hold grudges.
You showed me how much love I was capable of giving and now I will give it to someone more deserving.
You opened my eyes to turn to God when I was so lost.
I pray Allah numb me from any emotions should our paths cross and help me shut that door for anyone like you to infiltrate my life again.

A final goodbye.
This chapter has its closure at long last.

July is just another month that I miss you.

Sometimes, I feel crushed.
But even at those times I know how selfish and what a coward you are.
So why do I still feel like this?
I don't know how to answer that.

How does one explain why the heart wants what it wants.

If I messaged you, this is what I'll say..

I know you don't care.
But I just had to get this off my chest.
I miss you still.
Everyday.
There I said it.